The Stoned Chrysalis

The Woman - Erotic fantasy

Aimee Vincent

It was 7am and she had to go to work which meant actually getting out of bed, she extended her arms above her head and used the weight of her body to pull herself into sitting position, ran her hands through her hair in a failed attempt to brighten up a little. Indigo was beautiful in a way that confused people, long dark brown hair framed her face and almost fell down her body acting like a cloak when she wanted to hide. Porcelain skin and dark blue eyes people would say looked through instead of at you. Recently a man in the street had told her to smile. She imagined various ways he could humiliate  himself further like tripping on the gutter and being hit by a group of cyclists training for a triathlon, she imagined that every time he’d try to get up another cyclist would come flying towards him, knocking him onto the gravel. She often referred back to that image when she needed a laugh.

It was a warm morning, her favourite kind. She slid out of bed, wandered to the bathroom and hopped in the shower. The water hitting her body had always made her feel some type of way, she liked it cold to begin with, it would make her shiver and goosebumps ripple across her flesh. Water was like a drug for Indigo, a flowing natural high, a momentary erasure of all the things she wanted to erase. Her hands would slide over her skin, the curves of her hips and thighs, up onto her face and slowly down to the moistness between her legs. She loved herself in water, she could feel herself as a lover would. Sometimes she would grab the soft flesh of her own body, the mound of her breast, the hardness of her nipples. She would allow her body to experience itself. She would let her hand wander to the wetness between her legs.. she would.. she would…she would if she had time. Today was not one of those days. Indigo was running late. 

She jumped out of the shower, quickly dried herself and slipped a black dress over her head.

Her hair was still wet when she ran out the front door, the warmth of the morning hit her skin and she glowed as she walked down the street. Indigo was of those people who had no awareness of her beauty. People wanted to help Indigo while simultaneously being afraid of her presence, as though just by making eye contact she knew your little secrets; the time you whacked off in the toilets at school or got horny watching your older cousin get changed at the pool. In reality if you knew Indigo and you told her your secrets she would smile a knowing smile and tell you mostly nothing in life is worth feeling embarrassed about, that we are all scrambling through existence like fledglings, haphazardly falling from the nest.

The train was packed already by the time she arrived at the station, she managed to squeeze herself into the carriage and find a pole to hold onto. The warm breath of a stranger hit the back of her neck and she shuddered. The general public made her uncomfortable, she couldn't understand the way people looked at her or why they were always so afraid to speak their truth.

 Infront of her stood a woman that looked like her from behind, long dark hair that cascaded down her back, skin that looked so soft she almost wanted to reach out and touch her to see if she was real. The woman turned around, her eyes so brown they were almost black, her lips full and slightly dry. Indigo imagined kissing her, running her tongue along her lips, making them wet. She shook the image out of her head as they continued to make eye contact. The train pushing them so close Indigo could feel the warmth of the woman’s body against her own. 

“Hi” she said, concealing a smile which suggested much more than hello.


Their eyes studied each other almost of their own accord, darting from one to the other trying to understand what was behind them. The train came to a rough stop and the two womens bodies, both curvaceous and supple, pushed against each other. They didn’t resist. Indigo could feel the womans breast against her own, etiquette would dictate she move back a little but neither of them did. She wanted to touch her, she wanted to feel her.

Part of Indigo felt compelled to look away, she felt exposed, naked in a train full of people. She wanted to know this woman in a way she had rarely wanted to know anyone. She wanted to know her without words. 

“i’m getting off next stop” said the woman, with a pause and a stare so open Indigo wanted to jump inside it. They were as oblivious to the world around them as it was to them.

Her heart raced, she could feel the wetness of her underwear heating between her legs

The Woman leant in and whispered “Would you like to come with me?”

Indigo nodded “Yes..”

The Woman touched her arm as the train came to a stop, the doors opened and they pushed their way through the distracted crowd and out onto the platform. The doors closed again and the train sped off. The women were alone, the sun caressing their skin, each set of eyes boring into the other, both of their chests expanding and deflating with every laboured, activated breath. The chemistry was palpable.

“Can I touch you?” asked the Woman

Indigo was sexually confident and no stranger to chemistry but never had she experienced something so intense, nothing so public, nothing so free of context or words. Her instinct was to run, this isn't normal she thought, this isn't how people engage with each other; then she remembered how much she hated the way people usually engaged with each other, how she longed for truth, she longed for openness, she wanted more intensity, more risk. So she replied “yes..”

The woman moved toward her for what seemed like an eternity, Indigo closed her eyes as she felt the electricity of the womans body meet her own. She ran her hand down Indigos arm, down to her fingers, down to the part of her thigh she could reach. Indigo concealed a groan, something primal rose in her as the womans had slipped under her dress “Can I do this?” she asked “yes..” and her fingers ran across her underwear and pushed them aside. Indigo knew how wet she was, the woman inhaled deeply when she felt the juice on her fingers and sighed when she could sense Indigos body tensing from her touch. 

How was nobody around? The platform was empty. It didn't make any sense, but by this point neither of them cared. 

The Woman gently touched Indigos labia, then her clitoris, she slid her finger back and forth, up and down before sliding two fingers very slightly inside her “I want more of you” she whispered. The sun was strong now, beating on their bodies. All other things: Work, life, home, the man who told her to smile: none of it existed anymore. Nothing existed but this woman whose fingers glided inside of her, sending ripples of “MORE!” through her body. She needed more. Indigo took the womans hand, bought it up to her face, looked into her eyes and licked the wetness from her fingers. The woman smiled a delighted smile and with Indigos hand in hers led her across the road and up the stairs of an apartment block. The woman fumbled for her keys while Indigo stifled her racing thoughts; her desperation to rip her clothes of right now, her dripping pussy. The key slid into the lock and they were inside. It was a small studio apartment with a big red velvet couch, plants hanging in every corner, it smelt of incense and reminded Indigo of good wine, smooth and crimson. The woman wasted no time, she grabbed indigo and moved her to the lounge, kneeled before her as she slid off her underwear. Indigo realised how truly magnificent the womans face was was; golden, open, thoughtful, streaks of the dappled sunlight hit her beautiful high cheeks. “Fuck I want you” said Indigo and with that the woman began kissing and licking the inside of her thighs, working her way upwards, when she reached her pussy Indigo could not contain the primal groan any longer, it heaved up from her body and out into the room. The womans mouth was so warm, so soft, it was as though she was kissing Indigos mouth in the way she moved. Combining the movement of her lips and her tongue to create total fire between Indigos legs, she could feel herself dripping, the smell of pleasure permeated the room. Every lick was electric. She grabbed the back of the womans head and pushed into her, the groans becoming deep, emphatic sighs, then short and laboured breaths. The womans mouth made love to her, the fingers that had been tracing indigos body gently began to enter her open pussy, answering her invitation, moving with the rhythm of things. Everything was rhythmic, interacting with her breath. Indigos body ached with desire, her back arched as she writhed and clutched the womans hair in her hands while her pleasure rose like a current through her body, from her toes, to her thighs, from her head to her breasts, there was no thought, no time, only NOW, this feeling rising throughout every fibre of her being, the beat becoming deeper, quicker, more urgent until it could no longer be contained and Indigo orgasmed so hard she didn’t recognise herself.

Her legs began to shake. 

...she looked like an old painting, voluptuous, goddess like, the curves of her flesh moving with every wave of pleasure, her breasts with big round nipples heaved with their rhythm. Indigo could feel the womans clitoris getting harder against her own, the wetness dripping down onto her ass, she had never felt anything like this.

The woman gently licked her a few more times, slowly, like she was thanking Indigos pussy for allowing her inside, they made eye contact as she pulled her own underwear down, pulled her dress over her head and positioned herself onto Indigos body, they're legs entwined, both their vulvas perfectly aligned and she slowly began to grind against Indigo, their wetness melting together, their pussies gliding against each other. The woman moaned, her head fell back and her mouth opened as she gave in to the feeling. She looked like an old painting; voluptuous, goddess like, the curves of her flesh moving with every wave of pleasure, her breasts with big round nipples heaved with their rhythm. Indigo could feel the womans clitoris getting harder against her own, the wetness dripping down onto her ass, she had never felt anything like this. The Woman rode her, pushed into her, ground into her pussy, moans escaped from them both until her rhythm changed, from slow and methodical to quick and firm, Indigo reached out and grabbed her breasts, rolling her nipples between her fingers, massaging flesh in her hands, she let her hands slide down her waist and rest on her thighs. Watching the woman fuck her from below  was like a dream, she was mesmerised. Grinding, harder, firmer, rhythmic, both their clitoris’ hard against each other, two waves of pleasure connecting to become one pulsing orgasmic wave, two strangers cumming together like life long lovers.

Gasping for air the woman fell into Indigo, into the big red velvet couch and they both laughed the way lovers do when they have reached a new level of pleasure. The couch was wet beneath Indigos ass, the woman leant over, kissed her mouth with those soft, full lips and warm tongue. She said “My name is Ava”

The woman had a name.

Living with childhood trauma responses (BPD)

Aimee Vincent

This is written from my personal, lived experience - I am not an expert in mental health treatment. This piece is opinion based. If you are severely struggling mentally or emotionally please seek help from a professional that you resonate with.

When I was 16 I was told I had what appeared to be Borderline Personality Disorder, which in my opinion is generally a way of pathologising the result of childhood trauma or abandonment. In my opinion BPD is a highly stigmatized, misunderstood and over used term, I believe much of the DSM/medical model related to mental health stigmatises and over simplifies the complexity of understandable human responses to difficult situations - I do not necessarily identify with the label of BPD but I use it here for those who relate to it’s symptoms or have a diagnosis that they align with - which is totally a personal choice and one people need to make on their own.

I have spent the past 17 years of my life trying to understand myself and better manage my responses so they are congruent with who i am now, the situations I experience now and not the experiences I had as a younger person. A few weeks ago I effectively managed an incongruent emotional response and afterwards felt compelled to share more about this here for those who need it. I want to talk about my experience to give an insight into how childhood trauma and abandonment can manifest in adult life and hopefully shine light on an issue that, for women in particular, is highly demonised. Trauma and abandonment response is wide and varied, maybe it manifests as depressive episodes, anxiety, stress.. I suppose BPD technically consists of each of these plus some fun extras like isolation, risky behaviours, overwhelming fear of abandonment, low level to severe self harm and often addiction.

When, at 16, the doctor spat out her diagnosis she prescribed me anti depressants with no ongoing support, as is the case for many people lost in a medical system that often does not engage with the spiritual and emotional elements of mental wellbeing. I took the antidepressants home, ate them all and drank a bottle of spirits resulting in poisoning that could have killed me. 

I went on to attempt suicide two more times and was admitted to hospital where they essentially reprimanded me for putting myself at risk and sent me home. For me suicide attempts extend beyond focused and physical intent to self harm, I believe many risky behaviours are also levels of feeling suicidal perhaps on a more unconscious level. This includes excessive drug and alcohol use.

We hear “triggered” thrown around a lot now, to the point that it seems to have lost its meaning.. What it was like for me to be genuinely triggered is to be taken back to the original moment that fear, pain, sadness came into existence yet the cognitive memory not necessarily coming through - so it might come through on a more body level; increased heart rate, feeling of panic, clenched fists, surging adrenalin, overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, loneliness. The body remembers what the mind may have repressed or on the opposite end of the spectrum; what the mind may seemed to have made peace with. As someone with these complex responses it can often feel easier to drink alcohol or take drugs in order to numb the sensations or emotional/mental confusion. Being under the influence can also become a way of releasing what we may feel unable to release in our fully aware, fully conscious state - but of course the release is happening in a way that is dangerous and unconscious so there is no healing happening there. Compounding this, for some people with BPD or related symptoms drugs and alcohol more than often result in risky behaviours and self harm - this was definitely the case for me - and so begins the adjacent journey into recovery from drugs and alcohol often without the deeper treatment and integration of the trauma, this is why for me typical D and A treatment was largely ineffective - handing myself to a higher power was problematic when what I really needed was to regain total control and power over my life. I have heard many women who’ve experienced abuse say similar things about programs such as AA; continuously re affirming powerlessness for a person who has been forced to feel powerless in their developmental years can be toxic.

Another trauma related response can be severe fear of abandonment which can come through as surges of rage, terror or sadness. Working through relational issues with a partner can be really intense as the person with the emotional reactivity can often lose sight of the current issue as it melds into the historical issues of their life. For me issues that happen now which trigger memories of childhood have the potential to become absolutely out of control. Generally the partner of someone with BPD or emotional trauma responses must be extremely patient and would hopefully educate themselves extensively on the issue. My partner explains being with me as “extremely intense and passionate, but things can change really quickly and without warning. It seems like part of it is really feeling every emotion so when I feel your love I can feel it as the most intense, passionate love, but on the flip side when you get triggered the world can crash and I just need to remember not to take things too personally so I can stay grounded for you” When a person is in trigger state it can be difficult to bring them back into the moment, for me i’ve learnt that a calm yet firm repetitive reassurance is what helps to ground me. Being severely let down by people in formative years can leave a scar worse than the physical wounds often acquired through BPD or BPD like issues because it can make accepting love and trusting people really difficult - there is a huge element of unlearning and then re-learning how to be which includes teaching yourself how to love in a healthy way and how to expect/allow the healthy love of another. The reckless behaviour and fear of abandonment many people talk about as one of the biggest symptoms of BPD are inherently linked, really stigmatised and I believe misunderstood. From my own experience and the many conversations i’ve had with women with BPD the reckless behaviour acts as a way to push people away and does not stem from an inherent need to be cruel. It is a defence mechanism.

While pushing a loved one away may feel really personal and hurtful for them it is important to understand that it is more than likely an act of self harm rather than an intentional personal attack. At least I know this to be true for myself. Feeling unworthy and unloveable has resulted in me doing awful things to people I love and while my own trauma doesn't excuse it - it does give it context. Working through issues that arise in a relationship NOW can bring up alot of childhood stuff and being conscious of that is half the battle. Consciousness surrounding this means I am able to de compartmentalise emotional confusion and make choices that are in response to the NOW and not THEN.

I have had experiences of wanting to verbally destroy my love and this has hurt him deeply - What’s happening for me in that moment is a lot of self loathing and wanting to prove to myself that I am unsafe because: feeling unsafe is a comfortable space for me to exist in. Wait what? Complex as fuck, right.. But if I can push someone away before they can hurt me then I have less chance of being as damaged as I would if they just disappeared, let me down or stopped loving me.  For me, this has and continues to be a spiritual journey of re parenting myself and managing what comes up without slipping into old patterns; patterns that probably at one time or another felt like they helped me to survive. In saying that, this is not really happening for us anymore because of the work I have put into understanding myself and the work my love has put into understanding my responses. And it is WORK, but the most beneficial work I have ever done because neither of us want to continuously go around in circles, neither of us wants to hurt each other due to our unhealed traumas and both of us are committed to not only maintaining a ‘good relationship’ but nurturing a deep, spiritual partnership that is joyful, forgiving and long lasting. This is so possible for people with BPD and other trauma related mental health issues.  It is possible to have a healthy, happy life.

They say that BPD and BPD like symptoms cannot be cured, I believe this is an inherently medical way of looking at it as humans are generally expected to fall within a fairly narrow binary of ‘normality’ Variations in expressions of emotion are not widely accepted- While i’m sure this is partly to maximise a widely perceived quality of life I believe it is also to ensure that we have maximum productivity and viable economic worth. I am of the opinion that this is why we are currently functioning under a model that has no real time for public discussion around the very real effects of trauma and how to holistically manage them. Because that management usually takes alot of time and the empowerment of individuals and their stories. The medical models concept of management is more often than not the covering of symptoms rather than integration of our experiences and ongoing empowered management. Modalities such as DBT, CBT and Transpersonal Therapy can be really helpful for working through child hood trauma and the resulting effects, however these are rarely subsidised which can make them inaccessible for many low income people - so typical medicalised mental health treatment becomes the only option. This is an issue of systemic inequality and is basically: not fucking fair.

I want to share here some things that have helped me through triggers and emotional responses:

Noticing - One little word that is huge in it’s impact, if I am able to notice the physical response being activated then I am aware of whats happening and that awareness can be strengthened over time. Sometimes when having an incongruent response to a situation I am able to notice the physical signs but feel unable to do anything about it - this is when the practice comes in. I often describe it as walking a bush track, we walk the same one every day so it is well worn and easy to get through. Creating a new bush track requires a machete, big hiking boots and protective clothing - we will need to walk that track many times before it too is well worn and cleared. This is how I look at neural pathway responses. We will “fail” at responding how we want to many times but through practicing the noticing we strengthen it. A really basic way I trained myself to be more present when triggered was designing three questions to bring me into the space. Some baseline examples could be: Name, Age, Date, Time. The sentence “I am an adult and I can make choices” is another commonly used phrase to bring someone back to the moment. I also found doing something physical like patting my arms or shaking my body could help me to come back into the moment.

Thirty seconds of pure awareness is a long time, especially after a lifetime of escaping yourself at all costs.
— Kiera Van Gelder

Enquiry - Once the noticing starts to become easier; so i’m feeling the increased body responses and i’m well accustomed to what usually follows I am now more able to enquire; e.g. “Is where i’m going with this congruent with the issue i’m responding to?” “When have I felt this way before?”  The noticing has allowed for a moment of enquiry which stalls the process of the physical trigger response erupting into something more. 

Fake it til you make it - So even though I've gone through those first two steps i’m still feeling activated or triggered but I am now aware enough (through practice) that I don’t want to be dictated by that trigger even though I still feel like raging or crying or verbally hurting my love. Asking: “How would I respond if I didn't have this attachment to my trauma?” And then trying to fake that response. Over time I started to notice that I was able to feel triggered without responding in line with the initial desire to respond negatively. The imitation became genuine because it was in fact my authentically desired response. The trauma response is not a genuine representation of who we authentically are.

I have found it incredibly beneficial to work alot on recognising my parents and care givers as unique individuals outside of their relationship to me. This is a long and ongoing journey which I mostly undertake on my own through practices I resonate with such as meditation and ritual. By acknowledging my parents lived experiences and traumas I am better able to understand their parenting of me was in fact, not about me. As sad as this sounds and as hard as it is to work through it has been incredibly empowering and made me more able to re - parent myself in ways that I needed to be parented as a child.

These are just a few things that have exponentially helped me to become more aware, more calm and more present in my life. I’ve talked a little about it on Instagram but a caption or two doesn't even begin to encapsulate the complexity, I also found a lot of people emailing and DM’ing me asking for advice which I don’t feel right to dish out a) over a social media app and b) without knowing people, the support networks they have etc but I do feel it’s important to share personal experience particularly when it relates to issues that are often so stigmatised.

I found this quote when writing this and for me it summarises alot of my life into one sentence: “You are a warrior in a dark forest, with no compass and are unable to tell who the actual enemy is, so you never feel safe ..”  Childhood trauma and abandonment can build a dark forest within and around us, it can be incredibly isolating, scary and painful when those who we are taught should’ve been there - were not. But in this, if we are able to tune into the warrior, tune into the realest version of ourselves, into the knowledge that we are infinitely worthy in the eyes of our highest self, infinitely valuable in the context of consciousness - little sparks may begin to light up the dark forest so we can begin to make sense of who we are outside of the pain others inflicted. The warrior can become strong enough to see in the darkness.

When holistically integrated; traumas can be the fabric of so many incredibly empathetic, powerful people who do amazing things for themselves and others. When harnessed correctly; intense emotional responses can be beacons of light in a world that often feels saturated in darkness and does not value empathy or sensitivity. When supported; the love and sensitivity of people with BPD and related issues can warm the people in their lives.

I would not relinquish my ability to feel the way I do now, I believe I am better able to acknowledge others traumas and forgive in ways I would not be able to had I not lived the life i’ve lived so far. I am not a medical professional, I do not profess to be any kind of expert.. I am sharing my lived experience and what has helped me overcome issues I thought I would probably never overcome, I am compelled to share not only to make some sense and use of my experiences but because I believe I have a responsibility to other people who may feel alone, trapped or hopeless - particularly women. I have been there and I have spent many years shifting my perception of mental health and addiction as things that have damaged or tainted me to being part of my learning here in this life and more personally; part of a spiritual journey that allows me to contribute more positively to the world.

Why I need Feminism - An open letter to the cult I was born into

Aimee Vincent


This letter has been 27 years in the making, it comes with no malice or hatred, just a determination to tell the truth, to come out from behind the shroud of shame and secrecy.

To take back what was taken from me the day I was born… choice.


The definition of a cult is:

‘A religion or religious sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with it’s followers often living in an unconditional manner under the guidance of an authoritarian, charismatic leader.’


‘A system or community of religious worship and ritual’ 


If you look online you can find many different versions of what a cult is supposed to be or how it’s supposed to operate, for me being in a cult meant many things.


First and foremost it meant that being the owner of a vagina had already decided my life path, future and place in a closed community that hinges on gender inequality. I was to be a mother, a wife, a teacher of children, obedient and subservient, never to be seen as anything other than the lesser half of two people joined in holy matrimony. I was never to speak out publicly, never have an opinion or voice that is valid enough to ever warrant being heard above the male voice. I was a second-class citizen with no rights or chance to change my situation. My Father owned me until my husband took over, all under the banner of Yahweh.

I was taught to hate and fear ‘The World’ and the heathens that made it. We were god’s chosen people and they were not, their influence would lead to the grave with no hope of redemption. We were an autonomous community and outsiders were not welcome unless ready to conform. I was born into it and expected to live, marry and die within. It wasn’t an expectation; it was a fore gone conclusion. How I spoke, dressed and existed was already mapped out for me before I was even a twinkle in my parent’s eyes… all because I was unfortunate enough to be born female.


Fast-forward 18 years and I was sick.


I didn’t have a cold or cancer or a tummy bug, I was very mentally unwell within a community that didn’t acknowledge or have the tools to deal with mental illness. I was severely anorexic, swinging between deep depression and mania. I thought about suicide but the fear of a vengeful god’s commandments over ruled the fear of living through it.

Around this time I had the make or break moment that sparks many people’s life changing choices, the context doesn’t matter but what does is the realisation that I had to walk away or I would die.

Severe repercussions considered, it didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter I would be instantly shunned and left behind by the only people and existence I had ever known, or that I was woefully ill-equipped to exist outside that bubble, or that my family would hurt a lot and be unable to understand my motives at that time.

However, I finally decided that my life mattered. It mattered more then the dogma I’d lived with and had been made to genuinely fear. And I was shunned.

I lost best friends, the only sense of self I had, people I'd grown up with, my home, my past. It was all gone.


When I was 26 years old my Father had to face the questions I couldn’t not ask anymore…


Why did you let three beautiful, strong, intelligent and individual girls live like we did? Why did you let them box us in because of our gender and tell us our worth and measure?  Why did you let rampant sexism (at the very least) touch and surround your daughters? Why didn’t you see our possibilities outside our reproductive system? Why didn’t you give us a chance to be more? Why didn’t you give us choice? Why didn’t you build us up instead of letting the system tear us down and define us before we had the chance to even dream?

He didn’t have an answer because there is no right answer. He was part of the system that told us we were second-class citizens, told him he was the boss and that he had god given rights we didn’t because he was a man.

The man who groomed me for years for abuse used to write me letters, in the last one he sent me he said "You are built to stand on a soapbox, made to save others from dragons’. Irony aside, he was right. We ALL are but we let people take our voices from us. Whether it’s nobody loved you right, or even deliberately hurt you, your parents were shitty, your partner steps on it or even just your own brain sabotaging it… we were all meant to stand on a soap box and let our true voice ring from the rooftops, no fear, no judgement, no shame, no stigma

It’s taken me 27 years, a lot of therapy, medication and many nights letting my past bring me to my knees crying to realise the power of just one voice.

The power of what one voice would have been to me and any young girl struggling within a repressive community is unquantifiable. So I asked myself how does this happen? Where do you plant that seed? Where do you start?


You start with your own.


I need feminism because the repression of women and young girls is in our own backyard. I need feminism because it taught me I AM worth more then the ideal’s that were imposed on me. WE need feminism because without it thousands and thousands of voices still aren’t being heard.


To the community I grew up in. Stop. To the fathers of daughters. Stop. To the husbands. Stop.

To the girls, I am a lone voice but I am not alone. We are ready.



Authors notes:

Today I decided to share an article I've been working on for a little while. First and foremost this is one persons experiences - I don't and would never claim to speak for anyone else. Secondly I have nothing but love and respect for my family, they are wonderful people. My hope is that maybe after reading this someone else will write about why they/we need feminism with their voice using their story because it's the most powerful tool we've been given. 

This is for all the amazing, brilliant, deadly, talented, intelligent, fierce, hilarious and beautiful women who helped me find my voice. I owe you the world. 

Is this real life?

Aimee Vincent

Artist Statement

My work as a creative writer depends on my ability to successfully tell a story. In our contemporary climate, photos and words are often illusions, shared with ease and excess, to inspire instant gratification online or on social media. It is my goal to mindfully manage the delicate art of curating words and photos that tell real stories—stories that shake hands, laugh, and cry. When I photograph a model, I understand that they are coming to me with a great deal of trust. It is my responsibility to capture their story honestly. I highlight parts and functions of the body that are often shamed, or altogether hidden, for appearing too real. I capture the stretch marks, scars, body hair, wrinkles, blood, sex, and tears—the stuff that lets a viewer know that they are looking at a photograph of a real human person with thoughts and feelings and shit to say. Is This Real Life Contribution I shot fourteen models over fourteen days. Before shooting, I asked my models to reflect on whether there was a story on their body that they wanted to tell through the photos. One model sat naked in tall grass hugging herself and caressing the acne scars on her back, which she wanted me to capture. “Close your eyes,” I told her, “breathe through your mouth and take a moment to be with your body and thank it.”

Another model told me that the thing she has felt the most shamed for in her life is her voice. We put red face paint on her palm and she stamped her throat with a scarlet handprint to represent her pain of being silenced. I went outside and adventured a little for this project. Climbed trees, stole flowers from the side of the road, walked along the tops of trains. A highlight was stumbling upon a beautiful twig hut in the woods. Six women met me there for a seance-inspired shoot. We were mostly strangers when we arrived dressed in varying degrees of anxiety. As the shoot progressed, models peeled layers of clothing and nervousness from their backs until everyone was holding hands with their heads thrown back and their mouths wide open laughing and dancing in a circle. I witnessed an unraveling of ego as these women remembered the children they once were and shared love with themselves and those beside them freely.


Annabelle Fern Praznik Writer + Photographer


Is this real life was a 2017 project which aimed to challenge beauty and pornographic standards by highlighting people of all genders and stages of life in their raw and open beauty. We had people from all around the world contribute their words and photographs via Instagram.

The Stoned Chrysalis was then lucky enough to connect with U.S based writer and photographer Annabelle Praznik who embarked on this incredible photo series.

You can find more of Annabelle here

Why you should get freaky with yourself and your partner. Mutual Masturbation

Aimee Vincent

Masturbation has a lot of health benefits; it releases dopamine & oxytocin (the natural, happy vibes), decreases stress, can alleviate headaches, relieve menstrual cramps. Masturbation is paramount in our ability to experience pleasure & feel comfortable in our bodies, it can help us sleep better, keep our bodies sexually activated even if we’re not having sex for long periods of time —- yet despite all this rad shit, female self pleasure can still be a taboo subject, even in our most intimate relationships.

Masturbating with a partner or mutual masturbation has tonnes of good outcomes. It can be extremely bonding as it lowers inhibitions and can promote more open commuication. For those of us who have been in long term relationships before we know how important it is to keep the spice alive, experiencing pleasure together is super important and sometimes (especially at the end of a long day) sex can seem like too much work — but usually an orgasm & some intimacy is exactly what we need --- mutual masturbation can be a way to still raise those endorphins, bond with our partners & stay sexually activated as a couple during periods in which we may not be up for actual sex.  MM is extremely intimate as it shows our partners how we pleasure ourselves when they’re not around, we may even still carry some shame surrounding self pleasure (usually left over from child hood) so MM is a great way to dismantle that while being supported by a partner. It’s an opportunity to show our partners what we like in a fun context, self pleasuring together is a super sexy way to educate each other on exactly how we like to be touched. It’s been proven that men and women take the same amount of time to orgasm when masturbating yet hetero women take longer (or often never cum) during penetrative sex alone, so during MM we are educating our partners on what we actually like & how we get to the end zone while also smashing out a quickie. It’s win/win.

Mutual masturbation can help to dismantle our judgement and fear around masturbating in general, it’s an opportunity to talk about our fantasies, what we like, what we want to try, the kind of touch we enjoy. It’s an opportunity to really connect as a couple but also as two individual people experiencing something solo, together.

It’s the perfect time to practice making eye contact while experiencing pleasure and viewing each other from different perspectives  We can use MM as a way to practice vocalisation during pleasure as we talk to our partners eg. “I’m going to cum soon” and then trying to orgasm simultaneously. This practice can then be carried into actual intercourse (simultaneous orgasms are the fucking bomb)  It’s an opportunity to allow ourselves to be vulnerable while actually being in total control of the situation and holding space for ourselves & our partner Using toys is another fun element and can be super bonding —- especially when double penetration becomes a thing, but that’s a whole other post 🏽




Bridging the Orgasm Gap. But, how?

Aimee Vincent

*While this piece includes research it is also fueled and funneled through my personal experiences & lens. I never ever, ever claim there are one size fits all solutions to anything. So please always read with an open mind, take what you need or nothing at all. It's all up to you*

Last year I was at an event where I found myself meeting a group of eight other women, all outspoken, confident and leaders in their respective fields. We got onto the topic of sex and orgasm when one of the women said "I don't think i’ve ever had one" another followed with “I think maybe I have.." and a chorus of “mmm, yeah””me too” "I'm not sure" erupted through the group. As someone who experiences multiple orgasms and a variation in types of orgasm I assured the women that if they'd had one, they'd know about it.

Apart from being shocked that out of a group of nine females I was the only one who could say with one hundred percent certainty I regularly orgasm I was also devastated that we live in a culture which (for the most part) accepts this as normal, a culture which uses female bodies as its money making centre piece but does not prioritise female pleasure...  that our connection to our bodies, our ability to confidently function within them, our ability to seek, demand and achieve pleasure are so muted that many women are not experiencing the full tapestry of pleasure yet are accepting this as par for the course. I went home disappointed but hopeful and determined to help shift this any way I could.


There is an orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women. According to sexologist Tanya Koens "the orgasm gap is the frequency with which hetero men have orgasms during sex vs hetero women. Tanya explains that 95% of straight men always orgasm during sex, compared with 89% of gay men and 86% of lesbian women. Get to the amount of straight women having orgasms during sex, though, and that number drops sharply. Only 65% of straight women always have an orgasm during sex, and that number goes even lower when looking at the statistics of casual hookups – on a first time hookup, the gap is 80% of men to only 40% of women" You can read more about that here

So why aren't straight cis women having orgasms? There is a plethora of information floating around about this issue and i've read a fuck load of it, I am also a cis woman who has mostly slept with men so I want to share my personal reflections here as well as some ways in which I believe we can combat this issue.

"Porn and culture"

In my opinion porn culture has a lot to answer for.. Take a geeze at a mainstream porn site, most titles include shit like "watch this milf/teen/lesbian get fucked" and go on to show a woman being roughly penetrated with little to no clitoral stimulation. Most (more likely to be ALL) top rated scenes are aimed at men, most scenes include little to no foreplay, the foreplay they do include is mostly fellatio, clit flicking/slapping or women touching themselves in ways that are not sensual for most of us but rather pleasing to the male gaze. I have heard many women in the adult industry discuss ways they must move in order to "get the shot" and that these are generally not ways in which women experience pleasure.

In a culture which gives little to no useful sex or pleasure education in schools and the home: porn becomes young peoples first sexual education. We begin to emulate and expect the same earth shattering response as the actors in the clips which negates the fact that each body is supremely different and hey, whats happening in the footage actually doesn't feel that great. Not to mention the implication of unhealthy power dynamics, the lack of intimacy, sensuality and gentle touch WITH HANDS (which can be extremely arousing and help women to self lubricate. Whether this be an issue of biology, psychology, social conditioning or a combo of all three is up for debate) When we begin imitating people imitating pleasure we can lose sight of what feels good to us as individuals, when we are focused on how we look instead of how we feel we are disconnected from our own authentic pleasure, when we are more concerned with appeasing male desire we can get lost in the performance.

Young boys and men are also negatively impacted by porn culture. Over consumption can affect an array of things such as brain function, sexual sensitivity, hardness of erections ability to connect intimately with partners, it can increase violent thoughts, influence authentic sexual desire, increase insecurity around penis size and sexual stamina. The list goes on. (Here is some more info on that topic)

Porn and entertainment have created a culture which over values penetrative sex while undervaluing foreplay and physical touch that is non penetrative or involving of genitals. One of my most recent stand out sexual experiences began with almost fifteen minutes of non (typically) sexual touch; gentle kissing, touching of various parts of my body such as neck, heart space, arms, stomach, legs. It was a total practice in surrender to pleasure and experiencing my body as an entirely erogenous zone rather than the porn zones: tits, ass, pussy. Dismantling the notion that we only have these three erogenous zones is difficult when as a society we are often still too awkward to openly discuss pleasure and anatomy with our kids and when our main sources of sex ed tell us otherwise.

We can also thank history and culture for creating and maintaining gender imbalances regarding casual sex between hetero men and women, this is an obvious one which i'm sure we've all experienced to some extent  Women are critisized far more than men for having casual sex partners or even just enjoying sex more than is perceived as "normal". I view this as an extension of the Madonna Whore complex. While Sigmund Freud is ultimately trash, he did develop the theory which I believe is still prevalent in our society and culture "a theory to explain men’s anxiety towards women’s sexuality, suggesting that men cast women into one of two categories to allay the uncomfortable dichotomy of fear and desire: the Madonna (women he admires and respects) and the whore (women he is attracted to and therefore disrespects).  The Madonna-whore complex views women’s desirability/licentiousness and purity/maternal goodness as mutually exclusive traits.  Love is seen as clean and virginal whereas sex is viewed as dirty and shameful.  Because healthy sexuality is sublimated, it is rerouted towards the secrecy and debasement involved in pornography where the concept of slut is outwardly despised and privately craved.  This dichotomy may contributes to many relationship issues, where men generally seek to maintain the image of their romantic partner as Madonna, but may seek the whore in the form of an affair in order to achieve both opposing idealizations that are difficult to project onto the same woman (Landau et al., 2006)' You can read more on that here

The above can cause a feeling of shame in women who want to be more sexually fulfilled, while for many this may not be conscious it can manifest as an inability to fully let go in sexual encounters thus stifling our ability to orgasm.

The orgasm gap is a symptom of cultural issues which must be tackled from all fronts and by all members of society.

"The clit flick"

I'm in bed with a dude, we kiss briefly before he haphazardly tries jamming two fingers in with full ferocity. He obviously thinks five seconds of this is sufficent foreplay so tries to ram his half flaccid penis into me. "Uhmm i'm not ready, i'm not even wet" I say with a perplexed look "oh..ok..sorry" he replies and begins slapping what I assume he thinks is my clitoris. I look on in dismay but am also not shocked by his incompetence.

Man.. How can a society so utterly saturated in pornography be so fucking clueless about female anatomy?


Via /

Via /

We should be aware that the clitoris is the only organ which exists solely for pleasure, it contains 8,000 nerve endings (double the amount contained within the penis), it extends internally almost like its hugging our vaginal walls. It is a majestic and beautiful part of cis female anatomy.

Here are some other fun facts because the clit deserves far more attention than it receives:

Up to 75% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm which means most women cannot cum from penetration alone (so hey jack hammering and doggy usually ain't gonna cut it fellas) and most orgasms we do have are due to the clitoris, even anal, as the pressure from penetration can still stimulate the internal part of the clit which is also responsible for nice sensations in our labia.

Cis women get clitoral boners. The more aroused we become the harder the lil lady gets. So yeah, lady boners are a thing.

As mentioned above our clitoris' are much larger than just the external pea, it can be up to about 4 inches in size. The same as some penises.

Hitting, slapping, pinching, dry poking/rubbing can be extremely painful for some women. 8,000 nerve endings, man, take it easy.

The clitoris continues to grow throughout our lifetime!

You can read my previous post on the clitoris here


“I’ll have what she's having”
A cis womans ability to orgasm during penetrative sex can be directly linked to the distance between her clitoris and vaginal opening, the further apart these two are the more difficult it can become for the woman to orgasm from penetrative sex. Some women, simply due to the structure of their anatomy, will not be able to cum from penetration, there is nothing wrong with this it just means that they will need simultaneous clitoral stimulation - but this is not common knowledge and so can begin the spiral of frustration, shame, defeat and often... a plethora of fake orgasms. The more we fake orgasms the more defeated we can feel by the prospect of having a real one. I believe this willingness to regularly fake orgasms is an issue of socialisation and gender norms. Historically and still in many arms of modern culture little girls are sociaslised to be more empathetic, nurturing and eager to please than young boys. In the article "lets talk about the orgasm gap, baby" the author says "Women are often viewed as good listeners and care-givers because we are socialized by our families, our teachers, our coaches, our churches, popular culture, and our employers to be such. Of course, this is not universal for women, but it is a trend. Men, in contrast, are socialized to be powerful, to take action, to win, and to be right. This means that women are overwhelmingly socialized to be empathetic in their relations with others, while men are not"

Even in some of self proclaimed "progressive" and "sex positive" circles on social media I have seen people perpetuating this narrative.. It is my opinion that this isn't helpful to anyone, that it is in fact really problematic. If we are socialised to believe that we must be more caring, more giving, more willing to please in our daily lives how can we expect to shift that thinking in the bedroom?

A study showed that men and women take the same time to orgasm while masturbating (approximately 4 minutes) so the argument that women just physically respond differently and need longer to orgasm than men is redundant. We have equal orgasmic potential so I would argue socialisation has changed cis hetero womens ability to feel worthy of seeking and experiencing it with a man.

In Michael Kimmels lecture “Boys will be boys: deconstructing masculinity and manhood” (which you can find in our resources page here) he discusses hook up culture in America, he retells the account of one young woman who - despite knowing she wasn’t going to orgasm - continued to receive cunnilingus until faking an orgasm because she didn’t want to hurt the males feelings. A woman who was aware of her body and how she was feeling still faking an orgasm so the man felt good? Why didn't she ask him to try something different, something that she enjoyed more? If she wasn't enjoying the encounter why didn't she stop? There is a subtext here that disturbs me: Young women are conditioned to put male pleasure (and happiness) above their own. Women are pleasers, while men are more deserving of pleasure.

And i'mma be frank: It’s time to fuck this old school thinking right off.

Shifting social conditioning, particularly related to gender, is a big one. It can be terrifying for those who are comfortable in their roles, who feel safe knowing they can blame their behaviours and abilities on biology: "I am just a man which is why I need to XYZ" "I am just a woman which is why I need to XYZ" These responses have been used to defend all types of fuckery in our society but I believe in many aspects they are a cop out.

This is as much about  "femininity" as it is about "masculinity", it's all well and good to tell women to be more empowered in the bedroom, to ask for what we want, to feel worthy of pleasure, but we must simultaneously be teaching boys about our bodies, genuine pleasure and consent. We must be teaching boys to be as empathetic and nurturing as girls, while teaching girls to be strong, capable and deserving of good things: so all genders can experience fulfilling pleasure in all aspects of life.

"I am not here to please you. I am your equal, we are here to please each other"

I implore women to be more forthcoming in what we need to experience pleasure, I challenge women to stop faking orgasms: If something doesn't feel good, if you are becoming frustrated, if you need him to be more patient/slow/gentle/fast, if you need more pressure, less pressure, more rythym --- I challenge you to voice this (if you feel safe to do so).

Seek help, talk openly, MASTURBATE MORE.

Discover what feels good for you. I challenge women to be more vocal in our day to day lives and in the bedroom. Envision a time you have had unfulfilling sex with a man, what would have happened if you spoke up? A moment of awkwardness will pass but open communication with lovers will make the experience better for both of you. It is ok to say no, to ask for something, to say "stop, change, slow down, do this differently."

If we continue to fake orgasms men will never learn how to help us achieve real ones.

Know that you are not alone, know that nothing is wrong with you if you cannot orgasm from intercourse. Find the ways you can feel pleasure and focus on that. You are worthy.

I implore men to be humble, open your minds and hearts. Tune into your lovers, read our body language, ask for consent: "Can I touch you here, Can I kiss you there? Can I have sex with you? Do you like this?" Don't only wait for verbal cues, read our body language. Do not over consume porn, do not treat us like things for your pleasure: We are not fuck dolls; Not in a one night stand, not in a casual hook up - not ever. We deserve and have a right to reciprocity in every situation.

Our orgasm is as important as yours.


It will take bravery, self reflection and awareness to dissect, dismantle our thinking and make these huge but necessary shifts in our culture, and I argue few personal journeys will be as worthwhile.



Aimee H for The Female Gaze

Aimee Vincent

Sexual development

I have suffered from chronic abdominal illness and depression since my early teens which for me came at a cost of a very limited sex drive. I think for me, because I was so critically sick growing up I didn't have the same experience as other people, I was wild in other ways - but never sexually. Its been as i've gotten older and through self discovery that i've kind of unlocked different things and thats probably the most empowering bit, that i've learnt it all myself while dealing with other health issues. My mum was so supportive, she was always super honest and open in a way, maybe I pushed that away or I shied away from it because I didn't fully understand or feel it - so in terms of sex it's definitely been a process of unlocking as the years go on, particularly with chronic illness I have always looked towards a partners affection and companionship moreso because the struggle with pain relating to intimacy was and still to this day can be unbearable, it's almost become a subconscious action to shy away from it.

However, when the right energy is there, through meditation and slowly working through emotional and physical pains I have felt strong connections that have taken me to other levels of oneness. It's taken work to break through these layers but it's an ongoing process and self discovery for me is a huge part - being open minded and expressing myself in as many aspects as I can"

Beauty Standards

For me its been different than the norm, I was always just seen as a boy and still am I guess - alot of my friends don't see me as a girl because i've always skated and been seen as a "tom boy" if you want to call it that - so beauty has never been a thing for me, which is maybe why I struggle with feeling sexy and all that kind of stuff... I have had partners in the past put me down about it and make it into a negative thing that I dress "like a boy" or appear masculine to a degree and theyd try to make me feel weird about liking the things that I do, so I guess i've had a different kind of experience with people telling me "youre a boy, youre a boy, youre a boy" as though its a negative thing so i've never naturally felt sexy or feminine"

The Female Gaze: Amie @inspiredtowrite

Aimee Vincent

You can find Amie here @inspiredtowrite and


A part of me doesn’t feel right contributing to this conversation. I mean should I really be sharing my own story when I squirm to even type the word …masturbation? I’m worried someone might walk behind me as read this, I’m worried that anyone I know might ever possibly read this. I still don't think I want anyone knowing that I do … it.


I grew up in a christian home. Sex was unspoken, or rather hidden. Any mention of it in movies was fast-forwarded. Or tutted at so loudly I didn’t understand what was going on. Any time any one actually spoke the s-e-x word out-loud was in church, and I probably don’t need to detail what that was like. Even so, I decided to refresh my own memory. I went back on my old diaries. I’ve been journaling since I was maybe eight or nine years old and stopped when I was about nineteen. Let me tell you, shit gets fucking real in those books. But I do not ever mention masturbation by name, not once. Not in a decade of diaries. And I know I was tormented by masturbatory shame throughout my teenage years. There are a few entries that I think may hint at it but they’re always stand alone entries, and they’re never more than a few words:


God Forgive me. 

Jesus I’m sorry. 

Why am I like this?

I can’t recall when I first did it. I’m getting shower head vibes but I’m not sure. What I do remember is the disgust. I became revolting because of what I had done. The hangover from it was so icky it would stick on me for days. And this shame isn’t exclusively religious shame. It’s a female shame.


There are also pages which I have physically glued together, I tried un-peeling them, to no avail, 13 year old Amie and her glue-stick clearly didn’t expect me to be writing this article a dozen years down the track. 


I had no qualms telling my diary that I wanted to kill myself because Mark from the bus thought I was weird, but I couldn’t admit to the world, I couldn’t provide any evidence that I might just think about touching myself.


I can't recall when I first did it. I’m getting shower head vibes but I’m not sure. What I do remember is the disgust. I became revolting because of what I had done. The hangover from it was so icky it would stick on me for days. And this shame isn’t exclusively religious shame. It’s a female shame. I have a memory of sitting with my ‘girl group’, all drunk on a singular shared cruiser declaring that we ‘would never’ and ‘have never’ done that thing and it wasn’t Christ making my friends blush. As I’ve gotten older and I’ve let go my allegiances to the biblical god, the question of: What would god think of me if he could see me doing this? Has changed to: What would a man think if he saw me? There’s a lot to be said about the overlap between the god gaze and male gaze, but it’s for another blog. Today, right now, If I masturbate, I view myself with a male gaze. I literarily imagine what men in my life would think of me, and I shift my hips this way, or bend over that way, to make sure that it appeases their imaginary view. Or sometimes, I just stop touching myself altogether, because maybe that random guy I used to know from school might think it is disgusting. That I am disgusting. What ? I can’t even comprehend this, but that’s what I do.


Right now, I don't feel far enough away from my own shame and pain to be able to see its intricacies, to understand exactly what I feel and why. But I have been taking small steps away from the embarrassment and my own disgust through education and reading. I spent my undergraduate studying medieval sexuality. It was with study of the past that I have began to understand that the shame I feel is historical, I carry not just my personal history of sexual repression and shame, but the history of millions of women from the past. Through my studies I have met the women who were made to parade the streets in bed sheets for having a threesome, the girl who had to confess and be punished for doing it in a style that wasn't missionary or the teenager dragged to see the priest for touching herself. I see every single woman who has ever entered a medieval church and had to witness the carvings of Eve with evil eyes and a snake coming out her vagina. I see the agony of sexual shame in my own life and all through-out women’s history and my heart aches for us, and yet at the same time I feel a little less alone. For a lot of my life, I thought I was the only woman in the world who had sexual urges, I did not know that I was sharing experiences with a sisterhood that has existed for millennia. 


History has made me feel less alone, and it has also given me hope. Throughout my studies I’ve found glimpses of the true female gaze, like teeny tiny pinpricks of light in a huge mess of male dominated, religiously clouded sexual gaze. If you look hard enough, you meet women with sexual agency, with sexual pride and autonomy. There will always be, no matter how hard the phallocentric patriarchy tries to stop it, a female gaze. Allow me to introduce you to a few of my favourite finds;


First up, sixteenth century ‘I modi, the Sonnet Lussuriosi’. A set of sonnets where the women are presented as sexually liberated and dominant, their pleasure is the centre of the poetry, the dick doesn’t exist unless it serves and pleasures the woman,


 “Put your finger up my behind, dear old man / thrust cazzo (The D) in a little at a time / Lift my leg, manoeuvre well”. 


She is directing the sexual experience to her own liking. The male then asks, 


“Where will you put it? Tell me most kindly in the front of behind?” To which the female replies, “Why will I perhaps upset you if I threw it in my behind?” 


The woman is in total control of the phallus. He doesn’t have a choice where his own penis goes, because the woman is the master of sex. Scholar’s like to say this sort of poetry inverts gender roles, but the word invert annoys me, really it just confirms that the world still thinks that the Peen is King. For me, this poetry tells the story of females as the owners of their pleasure and desire, and I love it. 


Then we have ‘The Secret Life of Nuns’, where women take back the ownership of sexualised language, here we have two nuns talking to another in this 16th century text:  

“Nanna: Speak plainly and say 'fuck,' 'prick,' 'cunt' and 'ass' ... why don't you say it straight out and stop going about on tiptoes?” 

I can almost hear that Nun looking me in the eye and saying, 

“Amie, Speak plainly, and say the word masturbate.” There is also evidence of Nuns who hid their makeshift dildos in their Nunnery’s libraries, and the first actual use of the word dildooccurred in the late 16th century, telling the story of a woman who was not pleased by her lover, so used her glass phallus instead. 


I’ve become fascinated by these precious fine threads of underground female sexual culture that have existed throughout time. My sisters who lived 600 years ago who took up sexual space without concerning themselves with the man, without feeling disgusting, without apology, these women inspire me today and slowly, painstakingly, I unpick the pain of shame.

If nuns in the 1500’s can carve a dildo out of wood, polish it and then hide it in their library then I can write this blog, and I can type the word masturbate and maybe even say it out loud from time to time.


The Female Gaze: Alphamama

Aimee Vincent

Cosmo sexual, demi/pan/gender fluid/part time polyamorous 

Facebook: Alphamama

Instagram: @alphamama

Photographer: Ryan Hutt

So, the night that we did the manifestation clear, I journalled briefly before I went to bed. It's fucking scary to share this so publicly but I want you to know what I go through to evolve and grow. I want to show you that I HAVE CRAZY THOUGHTS TOO. And that the part of me that has these thoughts, fears, doubts, terrors etc etc need to come out of the shadows. I need to talk about my shit and own the fact that I'm not always a kind, perfect, loving person in my expression.

Here goes.... Unedited

Did a MC on compersion today… nervous. Scared. Vulnerable. Worried. Feel myself desperately wanting to cling to who I am now. Hear myself saying “but I’m great the way I am right now!!” “don’t fuck with it… it’s working!!” But I don’t want to feel triggered and crash and burn whenever I feel jealous or left out. I want to genuinely be a loving person. I want to genuinely be able to celebrate other people’s happiness, wins and pleasure. How does it serve me to feel like I’ve lost when someone else wins?

It’s crazy how much mental association and A = A = A can start rolling in for me around this stuff. Like, in the last 2 weeks since peak I have been absolutely loving where Zu (lover) and I are at. Feeling so much more open and receiving his love and affection and attention. And he’s been so fucking lovely and beautiful and caring and present and saying all the right things.. And now my mind is telling me stories again. About how he is bored with me. He wants more excitement. He wants me to be with other people. He’s not happy with the way things are. I feel worried that I’m gonna have to change who I am. I feel worried that our connection will fade and wane. And I’m thinking things like.. he‘s only being nice to me so that he can get what he wants.. And what he wants is to be with other people. I feel pressured. What if I never become ok with open relationships??? What if I don’t want to do open relationships?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Do I have to?? Are we doomed if I don’t? What if I stay monogamous and he doesn’t? Will that work? I was just loving our time together, not having panic attacks constantly about him connecting with others intimately. I still feel like we haven’t really built the foundation of security and trust and real familiarity yet for me to feel safe to expand and explore outside of us. I’m wary of becoming addicted to Zulu.. maybe it’s already happened.. Where I only want to be with him, and want the sexual pleasure from him and nobody else. And I know that eventually that will push him away and turn him off. I feel like he will need me to be less “wanting” and to be more self-sustainable or to get my needs met by others so that he doesn’t feel pressure. But I just don’t want anyone.. Right now anyway. Ugh relationships. Compersion. Jealousy. Is it really impossible to just have one life long partner who you love, are attracted to, can work through things together with, have amazing sex that gets better and better with time and age and trust and love and kids? I don’t think anything is impossible… But yeah, I don’t know if that’s in the pages of my life book.


I'm in Melbourne with my love now and I've been melting awayyyy... As in, my protective, possessive, rejecting ego has been melting away slowly... Every layer springs up like a bear trap, I feel like I'm hanging upside down by one foot and the rope could snap at any moment. Then I realise that I am the only person who can let me out of this trap. I am the only person imprisoning me, holding my joy at ransom. I feel myself contract at the conversations we're having...

"How would you feel about me asking X (a woman he likes) to stay with us next weekend?" he asks. I make the sound of gurgling water swirling down the drain when someone pulls the plug out. I dive into the feeling and realise: I'm not drowning. I'm not in pain. A slight discomfort maybe, but no pain. "Sure, if you like" I say and feel the space opening up inside.

"Expansion", I hear myself whisper quietly. I give myself 10 points!

Today, he asks me to narrate for him a fantasy experience with someone else. My first thought is that I don't know what would excite him the most. And the only way I could know is if I listened to his favourite stories and experiences.

"Tell me a fun story from your past" I ask him.

I listen as he shares with me a story about a crazy confident eastern european stripper. I can feel him slightly tentative, he doesn't want to trigger me or upset me. I can feel him lovingly holding me the whole time, his body language reassuring me. Making sure that I'm ok. I feel safe. I hear the thoughts in my mind about what it 'means' but I say no. Today we are not going down that spiral. I ask him to share more.... I thank him for sharing. I deposit more compersion points into my heart. I feel the rewards anchor in this new pattern.

We lay in bed together sharing all sorts of intimacy. I feel his pleasure become mine. Future and past pleasures too. His pleasure with others. All mine to feel and integrate because I love his pleasure. He deserves the joy of love, intimacy and sex and I deserve to feel that joy too.

We gaze for a very long time with the intention of Oneness. Afterwards, we make love. I feel this ancient trauma arise within me. "Opening to love = Pain" it says. It is fuelled and enforced by all of my experiences of love and pain. It was never true. Not even the first time. But it's been with me so long it became part of the windows I saw life through. It's no wonder I wince at intense pleasure. I grimace at the intensity of love. I share everything with him and I cry. He holds me, reassures me, offers me complete acceptance and love.

"Oh God" I whisper, referring to him. "Oh God", referring to me. All I can feel is gratitude. Wave after wave of gratitude and appreciation.

He tells me he knew he was in love with me before we met.

That love was always bringing us together.

That love is dissolving 'us' into itself.


The Female Gaze: Ayla Yuile

Aimee Vincent

Model and writer: @aylayuile

Photographer: @gophuttfilms

I discovered a very innocent, strange feeling in my body at a young age. A stirring, I suppose. I wasn’t quite sure how it worked or happened, but just sometimes it did. I went along with it, children are intuitive. 


I think I have always wondered about my body and what it could do. As a half white, half Japanese girl I was a rarity in the suburbs of Japan. I was often likened to dolls and child movie stars - always about my looks and how I should be kept safe. 


My mother had an odd experience of a woman telling her she thought her two year old daughter was sexy. My parents at times were on high alert. So from a very young age, I knew how eyes on me felt. How it caresses you with dark twisted energy.


Just around that time I had discovered that strange feeling, a late night porno on the cable channel we subscribed to had taped on after a movie. It wasn’t exactly an attractive sight, I felt a pang of that weird energy I felt from the looks I got from men - but I was intrigued. Why are they using their body like that? I was curious and I needed to know more.


In the sex ed class we had in year 5, I distinctively remember that the most shocking part of the whole 45 minute lesson before recess was that women got vaginal discharge and that it made a mess. No mention of sex, pleasure, insertion or stimulation. A watercolour illustration of a man and a woman holding a baby was used to fill the space instead of useful information.


I ceased the afternoons my mother was out to investigate. I looked to the only thing I knew about sex: pornography. I searched and searched for something that felt right, or looked like the right example. But at the same time, it magnetised a part of me. It was like an addictive force for an impressionable, imaginative young girl of 10 or 11. 


This was my only clue about sex. Soon enough though, I got caught. In a panic I explained it as a series of spam ads, but from my mother’s reaction I learnt that it was a bad, shocking, taboo thing to do.


Though eventually, I also did find enjoyment in porn, especially erotica - written words are my thing I think. And sounds too. 

However it took a tremendous journey of uncovering layers upon layers of myself, and the shame and conditioning that lay thick in-between them before I felt free of shame and self-doubt. 


At this point I had moved to Sydney from Japan. I was in a much more sexually liberated environment. Where my peers in Japan, or where everyone in my life in Japan had such a fear of the topic, in the western side of the world it was everywhere. 


After spending the first decade of my life, twisting and turning, feeling shame and confusion, trying to figure out a safe way to understand sex and self pleasure, it was a relief to be in a more open environment.


When I entered my teens I didn’t really know that masturbating was allowed. When boys talked about doing it, that was a cringe worthy but a funny and acceptable topic, we never spoke about girls masturbating, though. 


Not even between just girls, why? Because even at that age, no one knew what masturbating meant for girls. Since I realised that what I was doing with my sex was exactly that, I was afraid that I might be perverted or irregular when it came to sex. 


I didn’t even know what orgasms really meant. The sensation I felt was a combination of fragmented pleasure and scratching an itch. And still I didn’t know that I could find proper information about sex online. 

I didn’t have a clue what to look up because I wasn’t sure women were supposed to masturbate. That we were allowed to speak of it - so I found clues in Cosmo and people’s stories but it wasn’t the right answer for me because I hadn't experienced it. 


When I experienced or got an inkling of pleasure with someone else for the first time (but not the “first time”) that’s when I connected the dots. That my body is maybe actually meant to feel things, that touch was something I enjoyed. Touching and hearing sounds caused that stirring . I had no idea I could feel more than an itch.


When I figured out that I was better at self pleasure than anyone else who’d touched me, I felt myself become more powerful.


My parents quickly noticed a slight change in me, too. My dad tried to explain awkwardly or tried to ensure I knew the fundamentals of protection etc, and my mum also danced around it, never really saying anything. When they found out I was no longer a virgin - which was no big deal for me, personally - I was no longer a sweet girl.


For a few years I went back and forth from shame to curiosity, to shame and again. When it was at its curiosity phase, it was an important part of my mental health. I went through a major change, moving back from Sydney to Japan again. 


I felt disconnected from my peers’ model of the world. I once had a conversation where my own friends looked at me with judgement when they found out that I had sex with my boyfriend. Those eyes that used to caress me as a child, again chased me down the streets and found me in every space I occupied. I began feeling completely disconnected from my surrounding, myself and who I was. 


But feeling that slither of relief, that push of empowerment and that burst of energy you feel after connecting with yourself like that… that was medicine to me. I felt that I am the space in which I can be empowered. I can live feeling like this, I heard myself say. I felt less ashamed and more in touch with my instincts and my inner voice. 


Letting that connection to myself lead me forward, eventually I broke through. I felt it everywhere - I couldn’t possibly forget that night. 


One night alone in my first rented place, I had a night that began a bath, some spiked ice cream and a whole lot of self caring and loving. I was truly connected to my heart and my mind. As I prepared for sleep, I felt a stirring and I touched and listened to my own imagination speak. Breaking through and experienced my first orgasm, that all encompassing buzzing that shakes and awakes you. The feeling of completion I assumed I had felt before was no where near. 

And with that awakening, fear began to fade. I was open to myself, to explore and to seek. 


I still face trigger points of shame or other societal conditioning. But trusting in myself, that I am constantly seeking pleasure or joy in all that I do, whether that’s writing, eating, dancing - I keep that fire always alive. 


To me, self pleasure is all encompassing. Similar to meditating and reading tarot cards - that’s a way to tap into my higher self and into the consciousness beyond and around me. If I dance I can tap into pleasure and pure joy and self love. If I touch myself I can also tap into those things and then some. A burst of physical energy caused by hormones and chemical reactions in my body.


What began as a secret, shameful addiction became a meditation, a ritual, a tool of communication, a guide to healing, a product of self love and care. Self pleasure is sacred and it can be and mean whatever you want it to be. It is fluid, it’s flowing, ever changing, transformative. 

That’s the beauty of it. 

That’s the beauty of you.

The Female Gaze: Katie Jay

Aimee Vincent

I suspect orgasm is my state of nature.

Photographer: Ryan Hutt
Model: Katie Jay

I started masturbating at a super early age. I think I was like, maybe eight. I used to secretly tape Sex Life and watch Baywatch religiously until someone called me a sex addict.

As shame-filled as I was at the time, perhaps that early age gave me an advantage because I find it super easy to orgasm now. Internally and externally - and during sex, although in the latter there still needs to be clitoral stimulation.

My favourite type of orgasm occurs internally and it doesn’t quite have an end result - it can linger. It feels like you’re on the brink of an orgasm but you don't want it to progress to a traditional climax because it feels even better than the end result. Fuller, spacious, quiet. Like being in the eye of a cyclone. Do you know what I’m talking about? I don’t know what it’s called.

The times I feel sexiest are usually on my own and the experience generally involves heat and some kind of sensual aesthetic. I need to feel calm and soft. Sexy feels wholesome to me.

It’s a different feeling to being “turned on” or primed for sex. Sexy itself feels like….gaining a prowess. Melting into a slower experience of time. A development into a sultrier mode of being.

I was in California during a hot summer travelling with a bunch of friends and in desperate need of solo time I ran a hot bath. I hooked my legs (tanned and toned from all the walking in LA heat!) over the edge of the bathtub and draped cold white wash cloths over them for temperature control. The aesthetic of the whole thing, the temperature, the texture and the relaxation I felt from it had a real erotic edge.

I also feel sexy on beaches (see, heat). Lying on hot sand. Italy makes me feel sexy. Anything about it. From the cities to the people, the language and the food. Pizza and red wine - the ultimate sexy. Just look at Caroline Vreeland - she’s made a career out of celebrating the sexiness of carbs.




The Stoned Chrysalis & The Female Gaze // Photography and Videography by Ryan Hutt

Aimee Vincent

We wanted to shoot The Stoned Chrysalis product's but it became much more than that.

A group of women with entirely different backgrounds, lived experience and journeys of pleasure were asked to come and model for our brand, the only brief was to come as your most comfortable, authentic self and portray your sexuality as you deemed appropriate. No costumes, no requests for specific outfits or make up, no retouching - just women - together, curated by each other.

I couldn't bare to just do a photo shoot without tapping into the wisdom of the women who would feature in it, believing as I do in the absolute necessity of story telling and the importance of sexual autonomy it seemed the perfect opportunity to create something more than a product shoot - and so The Stoned Chrysalis: Female Gaze has been born.

I was trying to translate my words into Japanese and realised that there is not a word that directly translates to self-pleasure, and all the words for masturbation were just descriptions of the act and I spiralled into those same old feelings of shame - even though I know it’s not a shameful topic I couldn’t help but feel like I was using perverted words and ended up not translating. And that’s made me go back to the female gaze with more passion and more depth...
— Ayla

The reason I began using crystal sex toys was to understand my own body on a deeper level, to know how to orgasm without vibration and to help myself heal from past traumas - these were three points of reference for working with the models in this shoot: Understand each other on a deeper level, learn from each other, heal together through story telling. Each woman is armed with a wealth of knowledge founded on her experience, I believe when we share this with each other we begin to heal ourselves and ultimately the collective consciousness. Through speaking with so many women from around the world the need for healing and empowerment is obvious, while we live in a culture saturated in sex so many of us still struggle to feel pleasure...

It's said that as many as 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching orgasm when having sex and as many as 80 percent of women have difficulty with orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. There is a strong link between the relationship we have with our bodies and our ability to experience pleasure - How do we feel about our bodies? Do we love their feel, smell and taste? Or do we feel abnormal, ashamed, embarrassed? An American survey found only 7.9 percent of women between the ages of 25 and 29 masturbate two to three times a week whereas 23.4 percent of men do. Whether this is true or a case of women feeling too ashamed to admit to self pleasure we don't know - but both options are disturbing to me. Why are women less likely to seek or admit to pleasure than men?

There is a social expectation that boys and men masturbate - it's a given - but even now in this modern society the same is not so widely accepted for females, times are changing - yes - but I would argue that many girls simply do not know how to masturbate to the point of orgasm, which is totally understandable in a world that teaches us where the clitoris is but not how to use it, a world where most people don't know the difference between the vagina and the vulva.

Sexual education in schools, ridiculous beauty standards and mainstream pornography create a conundrum of misrepresentation - Media hyper sexualises female bodies but discredits women who claim and represent their sexuality in ways that are not perceived as the norm. 

As we become women we often stop being naked in front of our female peers and our bodies become comparable to ideals rather than reality- In Sydney, Australia, Labiaplasty (plastic surgery performed to alter the appearance of the inner vaginal lips) is on a steady incline due to women comparing their vulvas to those of women in films and pornography, while film standards require porn stars to have no exposed labia thus perpetuating unrealistic physical standards. I have had customers tell me they were planning to undergo the procedure until we publicly discussed it on social media as they had only seen other vulvas in pornography and thought their own was abnormal. 

So how do we change this climate? To me, the answer is ultimately simple; we communicate with each other, we look to each other for openness, experience, support. We share our stories.

During the shoot we discussed each woman's background and their unique experiences with beauty standards, self discovery, love, pleasure and sex.

Alpha - cosmosexual, pansexual, gender fluid, part time polyamorous

Aimee Harris - living with chronic physical and mental health issues 

Ayla A- born and raised in Japan with repressive social attitudes toward female pleasure

Fiona L - breaking years of social conditioning regarding beauty standards and sexuality.

Over the coming weeks we will share their stories and the stories of many other women via The Female Gaze. 

If you asked me self pleasure is a big part of self care and self love. We are taught we are not worthy of pleasure, of having the ability to give that to ourselves - that its shameful. To detox our minds of that can be quite a journey. To know that there are women out there, like the many women I love and trust and the women I got to spend the day with for The Female Gaze and The Stoned Chrysalis is simply and purely comforting, its revitalising and bringing back parts of myself to make the whole
— Ayla


Photography and Videography: Ryan Hutt @gophuttfilms

Models: @alphamama @axhaz @aylayuile @katiejayyoucheekymonkey @fiona_louise

Concept and curation: The Stoned Chrysalis

Location: The Shadow Lodge via @loveariel777

Artwork: Nicholas Potts

Spoken word: Ariel Levy

Modern White Feminism and Intersectionality

Aimee Vincent

*Trigger warning for trans readers, a bigoted bullshit quote is included as an example of pure fuckery*


 Intersectionality is a term coined by American civil rights advocate Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw to describe cross over factors that impact the lives of women such as race, class, physical ability, education, culture or socioeconomics and the ways in which these affect their experience. In the book "Intersectionality's Definitional Dilemmas”  author Collins says “The term intersectionality references the critical insight that race, class, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, nation, ability, and age operate not as unitary, mutually exclusive entities, but as reciprocally constructing phenomena that in turn shape complex social inequalities.” I would argue that true feminism must be intersectional and truly inclusive, it must take into account these varying factors which impact the female experience and aim to dismantle systems and social norms which marginalise some women. While no single person can represent all women, feminism itself and the people within the movement must make room for all groups and voices, particularly those of marginalised groups who have been largely ignored and oppressed throughout history.


It is folly to assume that female experiences are universal because a group share the same anatomic gender, this assumption is in itself most obviously exclusionary to the trans female experience, the history of trans exclusion by many well known white feminists is still felt today, in Janice Raymond's 1979 book The Transsexual Empire: The Making Of The She-Male, Janice said “ a masculinist violation of bodily integrity. All transsexuals rape women's bodies by reducing the female form to an artefact, appropriating this body for themselves… Rape, although it is usually done by force, can also be accomplished by deception," sentiments such as these cannot be forgotten and the trauma of such still permeate the experience of many trans women who continue to feel excluded from the feminist movement, and why wouldn't they? History matters and inequality, racism and bigotry have been rife in many facets of the feminist movement. While we cannot expect an able bodied, hetero, cis-white-woman to f u l l y understand the needs of women outside her demographic I argue that we must expect them to make an effort to understand historical marginalisation, make room for marginalised voices and acknowledge that a bigoted history has created a society with intersections within femaleness create entirely different lived experiences for different groups and individuals - We must educate ourelves and each other on issues faced by marginalised groups, we need to hold each other accountable within this context and begin to evaluate how history has impacted our current society. Without understanding marginalisation we will continue to uphold oppressive systems and social norms.

Most would agree that feminism must advocate for full inclusion, but how can we do this if we are too afraid to confront our history and thus acknowledge the levels of privilege that impact modern society? We can’t.


Feminism has been a movement most publicly facilitated by white, middle class cis gendered, hetero women moving within systems related to them, as Gloria Steinhem says in her book Revolution from within “I was right about tactics within the medias continuing image of feminism: “whitemiddleclass” did become like one key on the typewriter of many journalists (though polls showed that black women were almost twice as likely to support feminist changes as white women were” this issue is still relevant today, while many women of colour advocate for the rights of women they are often not represented in much of the popular discourse. White feminism, which tends to paint us all with the same brush of FEMALE does not include the various aspects of a person which impact their life. As Lia Incognita say in her article “Does feminism speak for all women” “My friend Uma Kali Shakti was once asked if she was speaking as a black woman, and she said “well I’ve tried speaking as a green pear and it didn’t work” For a person to suggest being black is a trait separate to being a woman or something that can be removed denies women of colour their identity and suggests that to be black is somehow a separate experience to being female. Lets take a moment to imagine a white woman being asked prior to speaking at a lecture if she was speaking as a white woman... It wouldn't happen. White women have the privilege of their race not being a "trait" which society deems additional or removable - they generally do not have to think about or prioritise race within the context of their own lives. This compounded with other facets of naivity and priviliege can be described by the term "colour blindness" which, in my opinion, is a polite way of erasing a persons identity and imposing white perspective.

Taking the above into account, we must recognise that it is not the role of marginalised people to educate the privileged, I argue that the baseline level of accountability attached to feminism must be of self education, reflection and humility.

Can feminism, which claims to be for the advocacy of women's rights only acknowledge the rights of some women while ignoring the intersecting factors of oppression that exist and impact others? When we frame the question in this way it becomes impossible to deny the need for intersectionality within the movement. 

My feminism will be intersectional or it will be bullshit!
— Flavia Dzodan

Kimberle' Crenshaw states that “For white women, claiming sex discrimination is simply a statement that but for gender, they would not have been disadvantaged. For them there is no need to specify discrimination as white females because their race does not contribute to the disadvantage for which they seek redress. The view of discrimination that is derived from this grounding takes race privilege as a given.” The very bench mark of experience within our society was set by and for white women, white women are the starting block of understanding - not only on a social level but within our wider systems, this has created social inequity and systemic issues of oppression that continue to marginalise, perhaps just in a more polite disguise. To simplify: Within almost every marginalised group there are women, therefore the issues of the marginalised are [feminist issues] Intersectional feminism does not try to separate levels of oppression but rather recognises that they are impossible to separate. Systems and norms must be challenged and malleable in order for them to effectively serve us and societies intersecting needs.


 In her paper Fat People Of Color: Emergent Intersectional Discourse online,  Apryl A Williams says that fatness is a feminist issue as it “directly challenges the unrealistic expectations of women presented by mainstream culture” So while much of the modern feminist discourse is largely focused around beauty standards, body hair and sexual autonomy - women are still packaging these issues in thin, white bodies ignoring the fact that fat women experience the same misogynistic factors of inequality, such as fat men not receiving the same social stigma as they do, sexual fetishising and body shaming, Compounding this fat female bodies are still stigmatised by thin women and the beauty standards they uphold. I would argue that in many ways it is white feminism which upholds the paradigm of patriarchy and the above is just one example of the ways in which many women still exist within that misogynistic paradigm; our own misogyny internalised yet reflected onto women who don't look or appear like us. 

Feminism that does not acknowledge all marginalisation and oppressive systems only further propels the voices of the privileged thus upholding the patriarchal and misogynistic standards we say we want to dismantle. To promote a one size fits all type feminism is to silence the experiences of women living outside the typical and false image of what it is to be a woman - false in the sense that there is no normal, no average and no benchmark of femaleness.

 Progress is not comfortable and systems must be broken down in order to be rebuilt in ways that are progressive and inclusive but for feminism to be true to its name, it must aim to be fully inclusive and represent all women. This should be at the very core of the movement.

Curved Woke Wand

Aimee Vincent

I’ve written about sex toys before but today I want to talk about self pleasure and the curved G spot wand in particular. This is the newest addition to both the store and my personal collection. One of the biggest areas of concern for customers with the woke wands is the fact they don’t vibrate…technically. For more on this check out the sex toy blog post. You can find a lot of information on the issues surrounding vibrating sex toys, its an obvious fact that we can become so accustomed to the vibration that we end up finding it difficult or impossible to orgasm without it, this then translates into our intimate relationships with others, I had one customer tell me she was literally unable to orgasm with her lover without using her vibrator. I mean it's great to have autonomy and know what gets you off but it’s also nice to be able to do it with or without a toy and for your partner to be able to help you achieve this without a machine. Non vibrating toys help us to understand our bodies and the ways they respond to different pressures, touch, movement and speed. In the book Orgasm Unleashed by Eyal Matsliah there are some great practices outlined to help readers connect more with their pussies and experience deeper and more satisfying orgasms, while I didn't adapt all of the practices in the book I have carried some into my every day life such as making time to actually make love to myself, setting the mood f o r  m y s e l f - not only with lovers and creating ritual around my self pleasure. I have a tendency to use orgasm as a stress reliever or distraction, I’ve done it in past relationships and I do it with myself - things get a bit tough and I have sex or get myself off so I can stress relieve and move on - not the greatest coping mechanism as it acts as a mere distraction to the actual underlying issues. For me, incorporating a more healing element to self pleasure has been really beneficial as I am still relieving stress but by taking my time I am allowing the issues enough space to be seen. I am also allowing my sexual energy to build instead of doing quick releases which means I have more satisfying experiences and orgasms all round. Generally in our lifetimes we will touch ourselves more than anyone else will touch us, so why do we not pay the same mind and take the same care when having sex alone as we do when partnered? Last night I decided to dedicate the night to myself and incorporated the Rose Quartz curved wand for the first time so I want to tell you about it.


I’ve needed a lot of healing lately which I haven't been making time for and it’s been reflecting in my self confidence and esteem, so last night was all about loving the shit outta myself, I lit candles, created a beautiful mood in my room and sat with the new woke wand for a while post cleansing.


When I felt comfortable to do so I started using the curved wand and discovered i f u c k i n g l o v e i t. The shape of the curved wand means you can hold it on your pelvic bone curving down wards so the wand sits on your clitoris and reaches into the vulva, its long enough that you can push it a few inches inside if thats what you want so it combines that clitoral stimulation and penetration we often desire. The entrance to the vagina is full of nerve endings and if you watched Naomi Wolfs Vagina lecture you will know that each part of our labia, vulva and vagina have different emotional receptors in the brain so when we stimulate each of these areas we have different reactions both physical and emotional - using a vibrator often denies us the opportunity to explore these realms. Using glass or crystal dildos may take us longer to orgasm but I argue that this is not a bad thing.

(Side note to consider:

Would you want a lover penetrating you without you being lubricated? No? Then take the time to arouse yourself before engaging in penetrative masturbation or meditation. Lube is great but taking time to actually arouse and lubricate ourselves is even better!

I love a quickie but do I want them all. the. time?  Fuck NO. So then why is it so common to have purely goal orientated self pleasure? By taking our time we are valuing the experience and actually loving ourselves, isn't that what its called? Self love. By taking my time I feel more valued and immersed in the experience

Many women have issues around feelings of autonomy and agency in sex, often times we can find it difficult to ask for the time we need to orgasm with a lover - which can see instances of faking orgasms etc - having sex with ourselves is the perfect opportunity to practice owning the process and taking our time without apology)

Using the curved wand I felt more immersed during the experience as it was accessing all the areas I want accessed in sex, I could control the speed and movement of the wand easily using only one hand and not having to excerpt myself so my mind was free to relax and I could fully indulge in the pleasure rather than the logistics of the actual process.

Long story short, I had multiple orgasms at the hands of the curved woke wand and it was a fucking excellent experience. I felt more satisfied and euphoric than usual as I didn't have to do as much to orgasm, while I had complete control over the movement of the wand it was super easy to manoeuvre and only required one hand.  


Some other feedback customers have given me on the woke wands include:


Squatting over the wand like you are on top during sex.

Doing the above while using a vibrator on the clitoris or stimulating manually.

Using for partnered meditation.

Heating the wand before use to create different sensations (this can also be done with super cold water if you want to experience the opposite)

Circling the wand around the entrance of the vagina while stimulating the clitoris manually.

Using long gliding motion from the clitoris to the vagina opening.



Sex in real time

Aimee Vincent

Doing the markets the past few weeks has been a really interesting experience, observing peoples reactions to the products I sell ( which are part of a wider range of non sex related things ) has been super eye opening. 


One of the first groups to approach our stall last week were some people in their late teens/early 20’s - one of the boys approached the table gawking at the woke wands and betty plugs, he whispered something in his female friends ear, her head shot over to our table, she said ”oh my god” and the whole group scurried away, the male kept looking back over his shoulder as though he’d seen a rare but dangerous animal he wanted to touch but knew he couldn’t. Young girls tend to be extremely cautious, particularly when they see the vulva pendants, their hands trail over the crystals and when they realise its female anatomy they almost jump backwards, pretend it didn't happen and leave the stall. Women in the late forties seem to be the most receptive, they have the confidence to come up and have a look, start a conversation, we have a yarn and a laugh and I get the feeling age and experience has provided them with the “IDGAF” attitude that I so admire in older women. Men make me laugh, they seem to know what the products are before their partners do, I can hear them whispering “is that what I think it is?” And i say loudly “Yes, yes it is” - they giggle like school children, gawk a little longer and tip toe away. Two groups of people are memorable from last week, they were fascinated by the artworks and imagery and loved the fact that we were bringing shit into real time, it’s a special thing to meet people who are truly open or at the very least unafraid to be intrigued by sexuality and female empowerment. But it has been a rare interaction these past few weeks. 


It disturbs me that we are ashamed of our sex, it scares me that females are afraid to look at their own anatomy, that young girls are repulsed by the sight of a vulva. It interests me that men are so obviously fascinated yet too embarrassed to express that to their friends or girlfriends. I wonder what happens to that fascination behind closed doors and it makes me think about the communication between lovers ~ often even when we are partnered with someone in life they still can know so little about us. 


 Its become clear to me just how taboo sex still is today and despite us existing in a society that uses bodies and sexuality to sell just about everything, where we can scroll through images of people without knowing a damn thing about them and decide if we want to fuck them or not, in a society where we can access images of sex and nudity at the click of button - we are still afraid to talk about it in real time. It has reiterated to me just how disconnected we are from the images we see on tv and in pornography and that the relationship people have with their bodies and their sexuality is still deeply confusing. I dare say, repressed. Is sex one of our biggest issues? I would argue that the dysfunctional relationship we have with our sexuality has permeated this society for centuries, look at our history, look at the current rape culture, look at the churches, the instances of sexual violence, abuse, abuses of power, sex as a weapon of war. Osho says "A man whose sex is not perverted cannot become a politician. It is impossible. All politicians as such need deep sexual therapy, otherwise their whole energy will be moving to gain more and more power. When sex is natural, you feel power, you are not seeking it. Sex is potentiality, power. You feel it showering on you, you don't seek and search for it. But when you miss it there, then a great urge arises to seek power: politics is born. Then wars, continuous violence, are born; hatred, anger, and a thousand and one types of perversions.” 

When we are able to connect with our sexual power in an understanding and honest way we shine light on the parts of ourselves not many get to see, when we are able to share that part with others in honesty we normalise these things and the opportunity for secrecy and perversion becomes less and less. History shows us how confused we have been about sex, from the fluidity of Roman times to the repression of sex through the rise of Christianity - we witness this confusion and lack of continuity through art and culture. Its fascinating stuff.


And here we sit in a world saturated in sex yet our young people are still deeply confused, we are still afraid to teach our kids to say vagina or penis and crystal dildos make the public squirm... The barriers still need to be challenged and rather than frustration I feel excitement to do so.


Crystal Sex Toys

Aimee Vincent

Crystals are fucking incredible, whether you believe they are energetically powerful and healing, see them as a connection to mama earth or just think they're pretty as fuck - human beings always have and continue to be drawn to crystals. They’re beauty and power has been admired throughout history from the Ancient Eqyptians using Lapis in their chest plates and jewellery, turquoise being used for protection in Native American culture to the use of Quartz crystal in computers and electronics - we admire and rely on crystals.  


Image by Rita Theres @rita_therese__

Image by Rita Theres @rita_therese__

I have had many people ask me what I do for a living, when I tell them about the crystal woke wands and betty plugs i’m often met with similar responses “do they vibrate?” ….I mean if you wanna get technical here, all crystals emit vibrations, but what they’re asking is “will they vibrate on my clitoris and bring me to clitoral orgasm?”, to which the answer is generally one of three: no, not at first or not on their own. And that’s kind of the point. Peruse any adult store or website and you’ll find an array of alien looking toys often made of silicon, rubber, glass or steel. One of my first sex toys was the rabbit which was some hectic over zealous shit that made me feel insanely overwhelmed and unsure if i’d even orgasmed or not because my vagina was so numb from the intense vibration - but that’s another story. When we begin to rely solely on the vibration of a toy to make us orgasm we give up some level of sexual autonomy, which is fine if we are aware of the fact. Applying steady and firm vibration to the clitoris is sure to give us a…clitoral orgasm, and clitoral orgasms are rad, I wont hear a fucking bad word about them! But…they are not the only type of orgasm and they can be part of a deeper more intense experience when we have the ability and desire to sexually explore and really feel our bodies.


 Crystal wands have been used for years as massage and meditation tools, when i’m speaking face to face with customers at the markets I tell them the woke wands are full body massage tools because thats exactly what they are - with the bonus point of being safe to also use inside our pussies and butts. Full body baby. They are strong and firm like glass/steel and they warm up or cool down with our touch or water. They each carry their own healing properties but if you aren’t into the metaphysics of it - they're aesthetically fucking beautiful. I've had people tell me they keep theirs on display because they're so pretty.

By Rita Therese @rita_therese__

By Rita Therese @rita_therese__


So if you’re using crystal dildos does that mean you’ve won maximum bohemian goddess points, need to chuck out all your vibrating toys and ONLY use crystals? Fuck NO. My woke wand is a part of my collection of toys, some of which are glass, one of which is silicon and one that vibrates. Sex toys are a personal and exciting addition to our lives, they help use to explore our bodies and desires and like any collection can include an array of different things. If we limit ourselves to one type of experience or feeling then we deny ourselves the opportunity for growth, this is applicable to all things in life but when applied to sex I believe we get ourselves into a rut both partnered and solo, we learn how to get ourselves off quickly and then keep repeating that process instead of trying new ways to reach the same or different results. The vibrator formula is a good one, it works, for many its often guaranteed results but there are so many other experiences to be had and opportunities for different types of pleasure. Why not incorporate the vibration of your silicon dildo and the penetration of your crystal or use your crystal during partnered sex for double penetration or during cunnilingus... Use your imagination.

I’m saving Spiritual Hoe for ME time
— Rita Therese


 I enjoy using my crystal woke wand when I want to have a really connective self pleasure session, when I really have time to spend with myself and dedicate to masturbating - I use my crystal - for me this is almost a type of meditation. If I want to quickly smash out a clitoral orgasm I know how to do that too and will generally use a vibrator which is totally O K. We don’t need to be just one thing; on Monday we can meditate for half an hour, listen to fucking world music and masturbate with our crystal woke wands. Tuesday we can listen to hip hop, eat donuts and fuck a silicon vibrator - It’s all part of this wonderful tapestry of life that allows for us to have such wide and varying experiences and be

~ a l l  o f  t h e  t h i n g s ~



The Is This Real Life project for The QUO Australia

Aimee Vincent

We live in a society that is utterly saturated in curated images and ideals of typical beauty and sexiness; the slim, european feature,  cis gendered, hetero normative concept of beauty and sexuality has been the main narrative for generations. This is enforced and our bodiespoliced in a myriad of ways that are both obvious and subtle, from female and non cis bodies being used as a battle ground in politics to white feminism dominating and ignoring the voices of non binary, non white females. We are flooded with images of what it is to be “normal”, “beautiful” by industries that so innately need to redefine their definitions of both. The issues we face are many and varied, from Australian censorship laws preventing female porn stars from having visible labia, so they are digitally removed thus representing pre pubescent vulvas as the “norm”, this has resulted in an incredible rise in labiaplasty in this country. Violent pornography and grossly gendered popular culture encourages a "boys will be boys" mentality which perpetuates the rape culture that is so rife throughout society. Young girls are taught their own pleasure is irrelevant as long as they are desirable to men - our own journeys of wanting to seek (knowing we deserve) genuine pleasure ignored. Non cis people are excluded almost entirely from mainstream conversations surrounding sexuality, body positivity, relationships and feminism. Female bodies are stripped of autonomy, our parts used to sell products and insecurity - insecurity that is the fuel behind buying the products our bodies are being used to sell. It’s a twisted system which once seen cannot be unseen.



“The most vulnerable I feel is when i’m naked or during a panic attack. When I have panic attacks theres a voice in my head telling me i’m weak, ugly and worthless. This picture is me fighting those voices”




“You say you hate me but you still use me for recreation” 


It is human nature to be curious about sexuality, bodies and gender - we are fascinated by these elements of humanity from childhood yet our curiosities are often met with embarrassment from parents, outdated curriculums at school and a general adult unwillingness to speak openly with children about these parts of ourselves and society in general. Compounding this, our first sexual experience is with…. the internet. From an inappropriately young age we are flooded with images and videos that reveal a dark and violent side of sex and nudity, autonomy over our bodies and sexuality become railroaded by industries that profit from our dysfunction. It disturbed me that female bodies have become a conglomeration of parts which are used to sell ideas, products and insecurity, it disturbed us that our bodies were plastered all over billboards yet images we take of ourselves are deemed inappropriate.


But while this is still the norm in mainstream society I believe we now have more opportunities to reclaim and represent a wider range of bodies, genders, faces and sexualities - while mainstream media and the narratives it has perpetuated for so long are bigger and more influential than ever, so is social media and this is an incredible tool of diverse connection.

The day I became completely disenchanted by these images of typical femininity and beauty I put some videos out into the instasphere expressing my feelings and asked if anyone would be interested in collaborating on a photographic project, to my surprise hundreds of people responded and this was the birth place of the Is This Real Life Project.

We asked: where can we see real intimacy? Real love making? Real bodies? Real pleasure? Where can we see people in their power facilitating their own pleasure knowing that they deserve it? When I opened the space for people to contact me with their experiences and why they wanted to be involved in the Is This Real Life project I realised just how prevalent yet underrepresented these issues are.


“It took me a large portion of my life to accept that, as a male, I am beautiful. I am allowed to feel beautiful. I dont mean handsome or strong, or good looking, its accepted to be those things as a man. But being vulnerable and expressive of that deep feminine beauty that everyone has was something I always felt emasculated me. Now I know otherwise. That expression is deeply needed for true self love and healing”


We narrowed down our vision which is now to create a safe space where people of all shapes, genders, sexualities, sizes, abilities and skin colours can share a part of their-real-selves and for other people to witness that realness - to share true moments of beauty, vulnerability, pain, sensuality, intimacy, bodies and life in general. Through collaboration with hundreds of people around the world we are now creating a collection of images that represent these things. The goal is for each contributor to feel powerful and for the viewers concepts of what is beautiful, sexy, intimate to be challenged by each story and image. People have shared stories on self harm, non binary sex, body positivity and discovering themselves as sexual and non sexual beings. It’s been such an exciting and liberating experience for people that we hope to take it to a bigger scale, compiling our images into a zine and facilitating an exhibition that will hopefully take the conversation even further. 

“We live in a society where my self worth is defined by my weight. I would like to believe that is shifting”

The Is This Real Life Project page has received messages from around the world from people expressing how important the page has become to their journey of self love, it’s been an incredibly empowering movement to be a part of and i’m so looking forward to where we end up.


“The naked body. Nudity. Showing too much skin. My whole life that has all been seen as bad. I was taught it was bad. That's slutty. I've always strived to cover up and be "modest". Any time I would see a female dressed showing "too much skin" I would automatically think "wow gross she's such a slut."Showing too much skin or seeing someone naked was always so awkward because of the way I was taught. As I got older I started to be around/see a lot of more open minded people. I started following people online that embraced nudity as something beautiful rather than just pornographic. Over time I read the descriptions on their pictures they would post. The things they said were so empowering. Sharing how the body is beautiful. It should be shown off not hidden. It should be loved on not hurt. Their pictures and descriptions inspired me. Their lives inspired me. Ive never in my life posted a picture online that showed "too much skin." Not even me in a bikini. So this is a big step for me. But I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for anyone else who was raised to think their gorgeous body should be hidden.”


In a marketplace where radical thought is considered divisive, volunteering is becoming a competitive sport. Where purpose-driven organisations are overshadowed by businesses who overlook the complexities of the problems we face now and in the future, being meaningfully heard is not quite as simple as it seems. Feeling silenced by the structures that privilege social and academic capital over personal experience, they sought to uproot the deep-seated apathy affecting many young people and from which they themselves were not immune. The status quo focuses on the problems, but rarely seeks solutions.


The QUO was born with the recognition that we need an alternative online platform that values a positive outlook, nurtures bold ideas and propels direct action initiatives. We need an aggregator that shares individuals’ lived experiences and encourages the active development of empathy and community. Creativity, critical dialogue and collaboration should be valued above competing. We wanted to create a digital safe space built upon mutual respect. Here, non-conforming organisations and individuals connect, sidelined stories are heard and any respectful idea is given the opportunity to gestate into an action.






Alcohol By Lucas George

Aimee Vincent

I first moved to Melbourne in November 2011. I came down here on tour with the Whipped Cream Chargers, found out my friend Tim had died, so I made the decision and never left. Following a series of dreams (after a long period of half-assed meditation practice and occult training) I was convinced to go to a ten-day Vipassana course at the Dhamma Aloka and I came back sober for the first time in six years.

Between January 2012 and February 2013 I stayed sober. I hardly knew anyone down here at the time and I relished in it. I had the time and space to be my self relatively uninterrupted and, after years of really wanting to see where this spiritual path would lead me, after trying in so many tremendous ways to find the answers in others and in the world around me, I began the process of trying to find them within. I barely left my room, spending five hours a day doing meditation and yoga, eating only healthy vegetarian foods, performing deeper studies of the tarot and symbolism, living like a monk.

It was a good time, if not quite boring. Some part of my mind was still yearning for that other life. I was doing all this with the hope that after three, six, nine, twelve months I would have found enlightenment and then been able to go back to what I was doing. I played in the Chargers, a party band, but I didnt party. I didn't really record my own music then, my only outlet was my writing which was bogged down in details, but once I set my mind to a thing it takes alot for me to give up on it. To jump off the wagon again I'd have to find a way to trick myself into thinking that I'd made the wrong choice somehow and that doing something different was the actual way to enlightenment. Or that enlightenment is actually a myth and that I should just have a good time while I'm here, which is the easiest trick by far but hard to do when you are stubborn and you have tasted some of meditations fruits.

Somehow in this time I made some amazing friends. Talented crazy people who continue to blow my mind. At the time they were all wild party animals. I regretted that I'd performed my transformation before I'd met them. The path I had taken was a very lonely one. We hung out, but they got to do crazy stuff that it is so fucking hard for an anxiety-ridden sober person to do. Break things, and run around naked and laugh at nothing together like it was the best joke they ever heard. Most of the time when I talked to them it wasnt light-hearted - when we spoke it was about clarity and health, self development, growth. My dark side never got a swim, and I loved my dark side. Mostly I just felt like a stick in the mud, like I had nothing interesting to say that wasnt some deep (stick in the mud) shit. People seemed to come to me for good things, and I loved that, but I wanted to get all fucked up with them. They never encouraged it, but after a few months the part of me that relishes in chaos and wishes to belong overcame me and I started getting wasted again.

Almost four years passed. Some good years, but years of uncertainty, years of being hung over, mental issues and anxiety, proper deep dark chaos. But don't get me wrong, it was amazing too. I got messy with these people and with so many more. So many fun days and nights. Had countless beautiful fucked up adventures that I half remember too because my tolerance got so high that I'd have to drink a whole bottle of whiskey just to be a proper mess. My tolerance got high enough that in the last year or so I've got drunk at least three times a week and before I'd start a night I'd drink a whole bottle of wine by myself on the half-hour tram to anywhere from Preston and that'd just get me tipsy. I'd come home and spend at least two days unable to do anything of worth, depressed and just waiting to go out and get fucked again and even though I could see a pretty silly pattern emerging of spending all my money, not getting all that much out of it chemically, and not getting much done as a result nothing was stopping me. I wouldnt say I was an alcoholic in the proper sense - I never had a physical addiction, but once you get into a cycle it is super weird to break it, and why would you anyway? Its the fun bit, right?

Thats ten years out of the last eleven.

So recently I got a vitamin deficiency. A vitamin that booze specifically kills. I hadn't been looking after myself and it had got so far that my nerves started acting up. I found out that a great deal of my anxiety and depression had been coming from this as well. I had been having dreams for a while where I'd be in a cage with the devil and outside there was all this cool shit but to get out I'd have to destroy a bottle of booze, or I'd be being followed by someone I couldn't get away from who was telling me I didn't have the strength to get rid of the drink or I'd be telling people I was fine and thinking about going and getting a beer only to have all these demons pull me down (dark stuff is personified like this in my mind due to judeo-christian programming). It was all pretty obvious, but it was only when my body started to flip out like this that I decided to stop drinking again.

My first realisation was that drinking is boring. At least for me. I've done it so much that it doesnt really hold a kick anymore. It definitely does something, but that thing just isn't that fun. Maybe it will be again one day, but I've taken it too far for now. It doesnt serve me. I knew this for ages, but it is hard to give something up which everyone around you is doing and which is the way that you experience community. Like so many people, I used booze to get over my social anxieties. Currently I'm buzzing off the challenge of being good company even when I'm straight. I'm getting to realise that I don't always have to be smooth, I can be what I am and if people dont like it then thats ok. I'm beaming because I've realised once again that though I really want community I actually enjoy solitude so much. Being around wasted people doesnt bother me, but if people don't want to be around me because I'm not drunk then I'm actually going to be fine. Regardless I am hoping that I can still maintain a community even though right now it is going to be challenging because rather than being the self which has knocked down its boundaries with booze I have to be the self who develops the ability to fly over them naturally. I have to find and be my own self, awkward as that is sometimes, instead of being that dude who just doesnt give a fuck. I actually just have to not give a fuck without having booze to give me permission to not to give a fuck.

Second realisation: The drugs that make booze fun are already in my head. Booze gives me a kick (when its working properly). When I work really hard on something and I reach a milestone or get it done I also get a kick. It's a reward system that is set up inside of me to facilitate the achievement of goals. After I've done something of value I get to feel good, relax, and then it goes away and I have to do something of value again. This isn't just as simple as a drive to breed or whatever. After years of emptying my mind I have found that all that is left is compassion, writing, music, and what I might call spirituality for lack of a better word. So whereas before I was confused and unfocused this time I do have things to fill my time with which I am fulfilled by. There is the odd neurosis, but I have become adept at deconstructing them and realising that it is best to keep working towards what is good rather than dwelling on what is bad. And I'm happy with that. Every day I chip away at one or more of these four things and each one of them gets me high and makes me feel blissful. The rewards are tangible at times, but I get so much out of just doing these things for the sake of it that often I am elevated to tears. I realised that when I am drinking I am short-circuiting that reward system which makes it less urgent for me to achieve my goals. It is tricking me into thinking that the same high I can get from an internal source actually only comes from an external source. And because my goals are just to chip away at these things what abusing alcohol does is actually just hinder me from doing what I love, holding me back from highs that I actually earned by being and expressing myself fully. And then I wake up after four years like I just did and realise that while I have done some rad things I am not even close to the goals that I have set for myself. Can I achieve those goals? Of course. Im getting older but who gives a fuck? It just takes working on them, and if I am doing what I love then work itself is rewarding. And I'm sure that after a while my addiction to the highs of actualising myself is gonna turn me into a fucking mad person who is craving a hit so hard that they are forced to turn on their own brand of genius just to get it. And its exciting.

I've abused alcohol for a long time. I'm not against it, I'm not down on drinkers or drinking, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or unhappy or anything. Basically every good friend I have I made while fucked up, a great deal of my best ever times have been had while fucked up, and I assume that when I'm feeling a bit stronger I'll get fucked up at some point once again. I'm not saying any of this out of regret. I just went too far and came to some realisations for myself and I want to share them. My drinking is gone for the moment, and if I do ever do it again it'll need to be with more awareness of what it has the capacity to give and what it has the capacity to take - the fact is I got tricked into thinking I was getting more out of the bargain than I was and it stopped me from putting my full energy into the deal that actually pays real dividends. When it got to the level of cyclical abuse it was like I was buying my pleasures and my abilities to be an active part of a community on credit rather than actually earning them.


Expectations of Femininity

Aimee Vincent

Google “Femininity” and you will find this as the first suggestion:

The quality of being female; womanliness.
"she celebrates her femininity by wearing make-up and high heels"

The provided example, that femininity is associated with appearance and typical beauty, is a common thought within western society and one that is pushed through mainstream media, popular culture and pornography. Expectations of the female gender to be typically feminine and sexual in a palatable way have been constant throughout history and a key element in the oppression and policing of women.

Prior to the womens liberation and feminist movements of the 1960s and 70’s (which was mainly curated by and for cis women) gender roles were rigid, regimented under the misogynistic gaze of the time and rarely openly deviated from. Women were expected to be well put together, maternal, attractive nurturers who appeared to be thoroughly satisfied with their role as wife and caregiver. As illustrated throughout the 1970’s article The Women Identified Woman by Radicalesbian male curated ideas of what it is to be a woman were rife throughout this era, the author suggests that to be a tom boy or a lesbian was the ultimate challenge and political protest against the misogynistic demands and expectations placed on women (1970, radicalesbians) The author argues that the mere mention of the word lesbian challenged typical femininity and what it was to be “real woman” or “real man” (1970, radicalesbians) “The grudging admiration felt for the tomboy, and the queasiness felt around a sissy boy point to the same thing: the contempt in which women-or those who play a female role-are held. And the investment in keeping women in that contemptuous role is very great.”

During the mainstream uprising of second wave feminism that was mostly facilitated by white middle class cis women, norms surrounding mainstream femininity started being challenged and women began seeking to redefine their gender role and their right to self representation. While female sexual autonomy was being discussed and fought for on a grass roots level, the Church continued to enforce patriarchal ideas of what it was to be a woman and the related expectations and these ideologies bled over into politics and mainstream society. The Church began to slightly change their message in order to align more with womens wants and create a palatable image for the climate of the time. They did so by encouraging women to work so long as work came secondary to their domestic duties, women were encouraged to enjoy sex so long as it was heterosexual and done so in marriage. The image of the maternal, domestic nurturer was still pushed as the pillar of typical and desired femininity only now women needed to do even more to live up to societal expectations.

It is also interesting to note the correlation between body hair in pornography and the womens liberation movements, Larry Flynts Barely Legal began representing young and virginal appearing women with shaved vaginas to combat the rise of the feminist movement - as cis women within these movements reclaimed their sexual autonomy and right to self representation in a myriad of ways, including growing their body hair, the porn industry began pushing the image of virginal girlishness to reinvigorate the desired image of the feminine.

As mentioned in the Introduction of Coredelia Fines Delusions of Gender there have been interesting studies and suggestions regarding male and female biology and their inherent differences, but how much of these differences are due to the lens with which studies were conducted and other external factors, Fine (2010) “ of ‘essential differences’ between the two sexes simply reflect - and give scientific au- thority to - what i suspect is really majority opinion. If history tells us anything it is to take a second, closer look at our society and our science” Fine goes onto say “the psyche is ‘not a discrete entity packed into the brain. Rather, it is a structure of psy- chological processes that are shaped by and closely attuned to the culture that surrounds them”

Not only is the image of the virginal, girlish woman synonymous with male desired femininity throughout various religions and cultures but it is also seen as a pillar of youth in Western culture, this is evident through the rise of hymenoplasty in ageing women - a procedure in which the vagina is surgically tightened to make women feel and appear younger.

Biologically women are only able to carry one mans child at a time and women while men are physically able to impregnate many women, thus comes the notion that women are naturally monogamous while men are naturally promiscuous. This understanding has trickled down from biological research into mainstream culture and has been responsible for many of the assumptions and expectations surrounding female roles and femininity in our modern society. It is with this in mind that images of de- sired femininity and femaleness remain narrow and women who challenge these images have been perceived as masculine, or promiscuous, labelled lesbians and so on, while images of the ultimate feminine woman across cultures have been and are perceived as pure, nurturing and virginal.

Womens virginity has been an ultimate symbol of femininity across the world with some cultures and religions expecting all women to have an intact hymen and bleed on their wedding night to prove purity to their husband and his family. There have been cases of women who didn't bleed having their marriages annulled and in some instances even been put to death, this is discussed in “Reliving Virginity Sexual Double Standards and Hymenoplasty” by Meredith Nash. Not only is the image of the virginal, girlish woman synonymous with male desired femininity throughout various religions and cultures but it is also seen as a pillar of youth in Western culture, this is evident through the rise of hymenoplasty in ageing women - a procedure in which the vagina is surgically tightened to make women feel and appear younger.

There is something very troubling about adult women undergoing surgery which will take their bodies back to a child like state in order to feel girlish and feminine. It is a disturbing fact that the image of the youthful, virginal girl is highly desired through- out society as represented in popular pornography and culture, Nash (2015) “Hymenoplasty, then, is also a response to the stigma surrounding ageing for women. The restoration of the hymen is often coupled with vaginal tightening so women can look and feel “younger”. 'Sadly, not only are women expected to be eternally “girlish” — they are also expected to be eternally “virginal”. Clearly, we should be deeply concerned with the cultural obsession with virginity. Women are risking their lives and their health in order to be “virginal” (primarily for men). This leads to a sexual double standard in which women are solely responsible for maintaining some kind of “purity.” Nash also touches on the irony of young girls being sexualised and expected to appear older than they are while ageing women are expected to stay youthful and girlish. It could be argued that this creates a constant dissatisfaction with each stage of a cis womans life and enforces a self policing system that becomes innate.

Mainstream culture and media still perpetuate the image of the feminine woman as an unachievable goal. You can view this image in most advertising campaigns, popular television shows and magazines. The modern feminine woman has more options, she has changed her clothing and make up style but she is well put together, sexy without being “slutty," powerful without emasculating men, independent but still vulnerable, doesn’t wear too much make up but must be naturally beautiful, these expectations are ubiquitous within society and prevalent in the policing of women. This policing is both obvious like the fact that abortion is used as a political weapon and more subtle such as advertising subtexts, popular culture, pornography and the misogynistic lens with which they are curated and delivered.

While the blatant standards and expectations of the 1950’s are no more, cis women are now setting these standards themselves due to everyday societal subtexts and a desire to fit their gender role and keep up with the current image of femininity. 

In an article “In Defence of Female Scruffiness” author Neha Kale discusses the societal expectations placed on womens appearances in a modern context, Kale (2015) says “In a May 2015 blog post, academic Sarah Bernstein suggests that we mock those who wear maxi dresses in public because women have been historically expect- ed to look comfortable without ever being comfortable. "Getting rid of the corset didn't mean we stopped policing women's bodies .... What we really did was not so much 'free' ourselves from the corset as internalise it.”


In Defence of Female Scruffiness

 Reliving Virginity: Sexual double standards and hymenoplasty

The Woman Identified Woman by RADICALESBIANS. (1970)

expectations of femininity

The Clitoris and Female Orgasms

Aimee Vincent

Alright so up until 1970 the belief was that women mainly orgasmed vaginally. Put your fingers inside your vagina and have a poke around, not too much feeling on them walls alone huh? Most women will find the very entrance to their vagina is very sensitive. Slightly above sits the clitoris, home to 8,000 nerves, it is up to 9cm's long - extends into our bodies and is more internal than external. It becomes erect when we are aroused and once aroused can be stimulated internally as well as externally. While every woman is different you will find most women struggle to orgasm without clitoral stimulation, whether that be internal or external - most orgasms come (scuse the pun) back to the clitoris. Compounding that, without foreplay and psychological stimulation to naturally lubricate the vagina many women cannot orgasm. This issue dates back to years of misinformation surrounding the vagina and the clitoris.

The male sex organ however was thoroughly researched, poked and prodded so no stone was left unturned and in the 1970’s we knew essentially all we needed to know about the penis and how it functions. However the vagina, specifically the anatomy of the clitoris was not fully realised until the late 1990’s. Then through 3D sonograms in two thousand and damn they discovered that when we orgasm, even in vaginal only orgasms with no direct clitoral stimulation it was because of…. the clitoris. Through pleasure our internal clitoris (which extends up to 9cm - seriously think about that) within our body becomes engorged and internal stimulation can see us cum - I feel like i'm going to repeat myself alot in this post because it's all so amazing to me. Two French dudes conducted the research that proved this in 2009 and you can find it here The synopsis of their study goes like this: even in vaginal only stimulation without direct pressure on the clitoris the clitoris is still working its magic and getting us off. They reckon even orgasms from the elusive G spot and anal sex can be explained by an engorged clitoris (I really like saying engorged clitoris)

In the 1970’s an underground feminist magazine called Ms. published this article The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm which to me explains so much about this issue, even in science and medicine which we are told are non bias were often (particularly in those days) viewed through a male lens. At the time this resulted in an utter lack of research responsible for many women of that era being labelled as “frigid” (which originally meant unable to orgasm from vaginal only intercourse). 

Whether it have been a lack of technology, funding or simply because the clitoris served no other purpose than to elicit female pleasure - it was not fully researched for another almost four decades. FOUR. The afformentioned research conducted which concluded that our clitoris' is responsible for most if not all of our orgasms was unfunded, with French researchers Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès taking the mission on themselves. Unfunded...That is some bullshit. Through their research which included a 3d sonogram they discovered so much about our pleasure and that upon internal and external stimulation the clit becomes engorged and can be stimulated trough the vaginal walls and even the anus. They also discovered that with the correct surgery some victims of female genital mutilation could have feeling restored to their clitoris. Do you know how important that is?

 When I returned to France to treat genital mutilation, I was amazed that they were never tried. The medical literature tells us the truth about our contempt for women. For three centuries, there are thousands of references to penile surgery, nothing on the clitoris, except for some cancers or dermatology—and nothing to restore its sensitivity. The very existence of an organ of pleasure is denied, medically. Today, if you look at the anatomy books that all surgeons have, you will find two pages above. There is a real intellectual excision.


The lack of knowledge around the clitoris is fairly insane considering how much we know about the rest of the body. We can explain the misinformation in a myriad of ways one of which (and that i resonate with) is the historic patriarchal lens with which research was conducted. As claimed in Annes article The Myth of The Vaginal Orgasm men feel pleasure by thrusting in and out of the vagina, physically clitoral stimulation is not really of consequence to them: 

All this leads to some interesting questions about conventional sex and our role in it. Men have orgasms essentially by friction with the vagina, not the clitoral area, which is external and not able to cause friction the way penetration does. Women have thus been defined sexually in terms of what pleases men; our own biology has not been properly analyzed. Instead, we are fed the myth of the liberated woman and her vaginal orgasm - an orgasm which in fact does not exist.

To reiterate this in a modern context we can probably all relate to lets get some men and womens locker room talk going. You will be hard pressed to find a hetero woman who has not experienced the “Jack hammer" routine most men have toyed with at one point or another, female conversations often come back to this topic as we cringe and groan (not the good kind) at the memory of being slammed like a jack hammer in concrete followed by the dude cumming and thinking he gave us the ride of a lifetime. I even had one guy tell me it was his “go-to” and apparently we women love it (fyi…we don't) To the routines credit it serves a purpose at times and can be fun ON OCCASION but essentially it feels like…. nothing. Pressure, slammming...i’m trying to think of the right word here, one of which PLEASURE is not. Without concise and rhythmic thrusting and clitoral stimulation (most) women cannot orgasm. It’s as simple as that. This kind of leads us to a conversation about faking orgasms and how detrimental that is to both male and female sexual journeys but I feel like thats another story for another time.

The idea that the clitoris is “just like the penis’ or that our vaginas are lacking (research Freuds theories about the vagina and female penis envy), or there is something wrong with a woman if she cannot orgasm from penetration only is some patriarchal bullshit. The clitoris and its stimulation are paramount in our sexual pleasure. It is the only organ thats sole function is to experience pleasure, it is capable of so much more than ever thought and it is only through that recent research and education that this has been discovered.

We can use the need for medical research as an example of how important exploration is with ourselves and our partners - it is utterly paramount to understand our anatomy if we want to experience our fullest sexual potential. Being aware of the facts is also crucial to us not feeling disheartened in our sex lives if orgasm is more difficult. Be aware that if your clitoris is further away from your vagina or your clitoris is small or you are not well lubricated (which often means there hasn't been enough foreplay - both physical and mental)  you may find it more difficult to orgasm. If your partner is addicted to the jack hammer and makes you feel insecure about not being able to orgasm from penetration YOU ARE NOT ALONE and it is infact them who need to advance their understanding of female sexual anatomy. 


There is so much information floating around now and the articles i've listed here are just a few but if you spend some time researching the misinformation we have been fed I believe you are on your way to sexual empowerment.


Ms. Magazine

Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm


Clitoral facts