The Stoned Chrysalis

TO BE HONEST // Exploring sexuality Q&A

Aimee Vincent

Question: I grew up in a very conservative home where abstinence was shoved down my throat and sex education was of the devil. Now here I am with a child and a husband and I know very little of how to even begin this sexual endeavour. We have great sex but it's all very basic and I feel I am very sexual but just not getting what I want or even knowing how to ask for it. Do you have some advice?


A: First i'll start by saying everything I respond with is only my personal opinion and from lived experience - I am by no means an expert!


For me personally sex can see us feeling extremely powerful and vulnerable, sometimes simultaneously and there is nothing wrong with that. It can be scary to reveal things about ourselves even to those we love most. We all carry blockages, usually from childhood so given your upbringing I think its completely natural for you to feel unsure of how to explore your sexuality further. Firstly, I would really acknowledge where your blockages come from, once you face the rhetoric you experienced as a kid and understand that your family were existing only from their level of awareness then you can potentially separate yourself from it (if you want to) and move onto your next phase of exploring your own thoughts on sex. Secondly, i'd say get in touch with yourself, take time to meditate if you're into that or just spend time connecting with yourself and asking "What do I want? What do I want?", take time to explore your own body and its different sensations - what feels good for you, try new things on your own, take time to fantasise and don't shy away from your fantasies. As long as its between consenting adults everything is ok, nothing is too dirty or weird or kinky so go for it. You could even include your husband in that part. Once you've sort of thought of some new things you'd like to try then talk to your man, maybe ask him if he has any fantasies - it doesn't have to be some big heavy conversation just make it light hearted and exchange your ideas - even if its just trying a new position or fooling around outdoors. Honestly for me once you open that dialogue everything just flows and i'm sure your partner would love to talk to you about it. That power and vulnerability I mentioned earlier will definitely come into play because I feel when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we can find our sexual power.


So I guess for me the main thing is that self connection and awareness and then opening up the communication with your partner. Of course it can be intimidating at first and you'll probably giggle and be a bit nervous but I think thats all part of the charm!


I hope this is helpful!

Alan Watts does some great talks on sex, repression, symbolism and religion !