Age: The big 3-0
Hmmm ... I have only ever had relationships with men however am physically attracted to men and women. So I’m going to go with just plain sexual.
I kind of love that this is hard to answer. I’m a jack of all trades, firstly a mother to my daughter Airlia. I also recently finished my Diploma in Community Services and have worked in the social services. However, my love and where I focus most of my time and energy at the moment is on my Crystal Health and Wellness business The Stoned Chrysalis.
What was the message your mother gave you about sex as a little girl?
To be honest we never really had 'the conversation', but there are fleeting memories of the standard 'Where do babies come from' followed by awkward stammering - pretty sure I thought the stork delivered them until I was about 9. On the upside my mum was very open and comfortable with her body and never really gave a shit about how she appeared to other people, particularly men. Men/lovers were never the focus in her life which I think gave me a real sense of independence and self assurance, which translated into my own sexuality.
Can you identify a moment when you feel you officially entered womanhood?
I’m still entering it.
Probably when I had my daughter 4 years ago was when I really began entering the door that leads to the room which bursts into the true expansion of my womanhood. I have never ever felt more myself than I do these days. Turning 30 was also such a milestone for me, it has literally been a shedding of skins of that which doesn't serve me anymore. I was chatting to my friend about getting older and we related it to our drinks of choice; I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks now and love it - fuck the bullshit, the extra flavours and layers. I am what I am. And to stand in your power with no apologies, I believe that is true womanhood. I’m getting there.
How important do you believe it is to embrace your sexuality as a woman?
Sexuality is an extension, no, better word - manifestation, of our womanhood. When I think of sexuality I don’t just relate it to the experiences we share with our partners or even masturbation, it’s the sensuality that can literally permeate our lives if we let it, the joy that we see in the seemingly mundane. You know, you're at the beach and your skin is hot and salty, you dip your toe into the ocean, then your whole leg, then your body and your face - that is sexual when we allow it to be so.
We spent so many years being repressed under the patriarchy, we still are in so many ways. How we are supposed to act, look, express our sexuality has been dictated for too long, so to me owning our sexuality as women is an act of staunch feminine power.
How important is self-pleasure to you?
Very. How can we guide and explore with our partners what we haven’t explored in ourselves? And you know, my body isn’t here just for other people to enjoy - I want to enjoy it too. The fact that we even have these vessels that feel good to touch? That shit is amazing, make the most of it. I think making genuine time for self pleasure is important. If I’ve had a hectic few days and I realise I haven't masturbated I feel disappointed in myself haha ... only because it means I haven't set time aside for me. In the words of the Rupaul “If you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
What are three things you love about your body (that perhaps you've struggled with in the past)?
My breasts have recently become two of my favourite things when I never really paid them much mind in the past, recently they've changed shape and I’m loving the feel of them, also the fact they nourished my child for almost 2.5 years? That is worthy of a deep love.
I’ve always had a funny relationship with my hips because they are wide, child bearin’ hips! As a younger girl I wanted to be skinny all over and I guess over recent years I’ve come to see them as an extension of my womanhood. I love their width and their feel now.
My vagina. The holy yoni. I love her. As a younger girl I shaved and waxed and felt insecure about how my vagina looked or was perceived by partners, then I got into my twenties and suddenly gave zero fucks. I just love everything about her and what she does for me. Completely enamoured.
What are three things you look for in a lover?
Self worth. These days I am drawn to people who can see themselves in their strength and wear it. I think self worth really permeates everything else including our body image and how we treat other people. I’m so attracted to people who know their worth and make no apology for it.
Reciprocation in love and sex. Someone who really loves and appreciates women and sex and can express that openly in love making. A person who wants to make me feel good because it genuinely makes them feel good, and who is open to me making them feel good in return. No holds barred. Love and sex are reciprocal exchanges, you know? An even playing field of strength and vulnerability, masculine/feminine. I love when someone can feel that.
Gratitude. I walk through life like a child consistently amazed and excited by everything. You know, I see a butterfly or a cute dog and I’m like a kid. I want that in a lover. To see the beauty in the small things. Stuff like you’re laying together in nature when suddenly the leaves are swept up off the ground by the wind and you both see ‘God’, pacha, Gaia, mama nature in that moment. Thats not too much to ask, is it? haha! Someone who knows that although society can feel like a shit storm we should always be grateful for our lives and experiences.
What inspires you to make love and enjoy sex (either alone, or with a partner)? Do you feel more inclined to enjoy sex at certain times of the day/month/year?
Funny you ask this because I’ve discovered that late afternoon is my peak time, ha. Around 2 or 3 in the afternoon when I probably should be suffering from three thirty-itis, I crave sex. Generally however what inspires me is my perception; how I’m feeling about myself, when I’m feeling healthy, happy, have eaten good food.
Alright, to be completely straight up though, when I am feeling good about myself I am “in the mood” all the damn time.
Do you have any particular women in your life who inspire you to be a sexually empowered woman?
Every woman I know. Even those still working on their sexual empowerment; they inspire me to be more open, push myself further with my openness, my self love, self talk and how I express myself. Women in general to me are such sensual creatures, I see a beautiful woman on the street and I feel inspired.
Do you have any re-occuring sexual fantasies? Tell us more:
To be completely honest, most fantasies I have ever had - I have lived out. I guess for me the ultimate sexual experience/fantasy though is making love in nature. Being naked in nature and feeling at one with her and then sharing that with a partner? Damn. That is the ultimate. Being able to sit naked together within the trees, completely exposed, vulnerable, looking at one another yet feeling unafraid of the vulnerability. Being able to connect deeply on that sexual level is all time.
What rituals do you have for self-care and self-love?
Meditation is a big one. Eating well. Getting out into nature at least once a week is also my constant goal, if I go a week without that connection I feel a bit fuzzy. Making time to be naked in nature and preferably be in natural water while naked - that is really important to me and revitalises my mind and body. It’s probably my biggest form of self care … if sex is involved that’s also very good haha.
I also really enjoy evenings after my daughter is asleep, lighting some insence and feeding my brain with nourishing music or podcasts.
Juliet Allen is Australia's leadng Sexologist