Cosmo sexual, demi/pan/gender fluid/part time polyamorous
Photographer: Ryan Hutt
So, the night that we did the manifestation clear, I journalled briefly before I went to bed. It's fucking scary to share this so publicly but I want you to know what I go through to evolve and grow. I want to show you that I HAVE CRAZY THOUGHTS TOO. And that the part of me that has these thoughts, fears, doubts, terrors etc etc need to come out of the shadows. I need to talk about my shit and own the fact that I'm not always a kind, perfect, loving person in my expression.
Here goes.... Unedited
Did a MC on compersion today… nervous. Scared. Vulnerable. Worried. Feel myself desperately wanting to cling to who I am now. Hear myself saying “but I’m great the way I am right now!!” “don’t fuck with it… it’s working!!” But I don’t want to feel triggered and crash and burn whenever I feel jealous or left out. I want to genuinely be a loving person. I want to genuinely be able to celebrate other people’s happiness, wins and pleasure. How does it serve me to feel like I’ve lost when someone else wins?
It’s crazy how much mental association and A = A = A can start rolling in for me around this stuff. Like, in the last 2 weeks since peak I have been absolutely loving where Zu (lover) and I are at. Feeling so much more open and receiving his love and affection and attention. And he’s been so fucking lovely and beautiful and caring and present and saying all the right things.. And now my mind is telling me stories again. About how he is bored with me. He wants more excitement. He wants me to be with other people. He’s not happy with the way things are. I feel worried that I’m gonna have to change who I am. I feel worried that our connection will fade and wane. And I’m thinking things like.. he‘s only being nice to me so that he can get what he wants.. And what he wants is to be with other people. I feel pressured. What if I never become ok with open relationships??? What if I don’t want to do open relationships?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Do I have to?? Are we doomed if I don’t? What if I stay monogamous and he doesn’t? Will that work? I was just loving our time together, not having panic attacks constantly about him connecting with others intimately. I still feel like we haven’t really built the foundation of security and trust and real familiarity yet for me to feel safe to expand and explore outside of us. I’m wary of becoming addicted to Zulu.. maybe it’s already happened.. Where I only want to be with him, and want the sexual pleasure from him and nobody else. And I know that eventually that will push him away and turn him off. I feel like he will need me to be less “wanting” and to be more self-sustainable or to get my needs met by others so that he doesn’t feel pressure. But I just don’t want anyone.. Right now anyway. Ugh relationships. Compersion. Jealousy. Is it really impossible to just have one life long partner who you love, are attracted to, can work through things together with, have amazing sex that gets better and better with time and age and trust and love and kids? I don’t think anything is impossible… But yeah, I don’t know if that’s in the pages of my life book.
I'm in Melbourne with my love now and I've been melting awayyyy... As in, my protective, possessive, rejecting ego has been melting away slowly... Every layer springs up like a bear trap, I feel like I'm hanging upside down by one foot and the rope could snap at any moment. Then I realise that I am the only person who can let me out of this trap. I am the only person imprisoning me, holding my joy at ransom. I feel myself contract at the conversations we're having...
"How would you feel about me asking X (a woman he likes) to stay with us next weekend?" he asks. I make the sound of gurgling water swirling down the drain when someone pulls the plug out. I dive into the feeling and realise: I'm not drowning. I'm not in pain. A slight discomfort maybe, but no pain. "Sure, if you like" I say and feel the space opening up inside.
"Expansion", I hear myself whisper quietly. I give myself 10 points!
Today, he asks me to narrate for him a fantasy experience with someone else. My first thought is that I don't know what would excite him the most. And the only way I could know is if I listened to his favourite stories and experiences.
"Tell me a fun story from your past" I ask him.
I listen as he shares with me a story about a crazy confident eastern european stripper. I can feel him slightly tentative, he doesn't want to trigger me or upset me. I can feel him lovingly holding me the whole time, his body language reassuring me. Making sure that I'm ok. I feel safe. I hear the thoughts in my mind about what it 'means' but I say no. Today we are not going down that spiral. I ask him to share more.... I thank him for sharing. I deposit more compersion points into my heart. I feel the rewards anchor in this new pattern.
We lay in bed together sharing all sorts of intimacy. I feel his pleasure become mine. Future and past pleasures too. His pleasure with others. All mine to feel and integrate because I love his pleasure. He deserves the joy of love, intimacy and sex and I deserve to feel that joy too.
We gaze for a very long time with the intention of Oneness. Afterwards, we make love. I feel this ancient trauma arise within me. "Opening to love = Pain" it says. It is fuelled and enforced by all of my experiences of love and pain. It was never true. Not even the first time. But it's been with me so long it became part of the windows I saw life through. It's no wonder I wince at intense pleasure. I grimace at the intensity of love. I share everything with him and I cry. He holds me, reassures me, offers me complete acceptance and love.
"Oh God" I whisper, referring to him. "Oh God", referring to me. All I can feel is gratitude. Wave after wave of gratitude and appreciation.
He tells me he knew he was in love with me before we met.
That love was always bringing us together.
That love is dissolving 'us' into itself.